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Some say that music, art and drama are as important as other school subjects, especially at the primary level. Do you agree or disagree? v.2

Some say that music, art and drama are as important as other school subjects, especially at the primary level. v. 2
Some would argue that music, art and drama have the same level of importance as other school subjects in the early stages of education. This essay totally agrees with that statement, because activities like playing the piano can contribute to the development of brain connections at an early age, and they can make children become interested in improving their skills and pursue a career on those activities. Having contact with activities like music or theatre since the elementary academic level can help children to grow brain connections related to specific functions, and that improvement can be helpful in the students' performance in other subjects. For example, people who play a musical instrument since childhood have more neuronal synapses on the left side of the brain, which is the area in charge of the logical reasoning necessary for solving mathematical problems. People who have been in touch with artistic activities as a part of an educational program since elementary grades are more likeable to improve their innate skills, and some of them realize that they are capable of pursuing a career in the arts. For example, Elisa Carrillo, who is the Mexican Prima Ballerina of The Berlin State Ballet, once said in an interview that she developed the desire of becoming a ballerina because she had ballet classes as a part of her regular elementary school program since she was in first grade. In conclusion, subjects related to the arts are as essential as the traditional ones, because they help to the neurological development of young minds and can also encourage skilled children to become professional artists. Governments in all countries should implement an educational school program for the elementary grades that includes the basic learning of those activities.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
would argue that music, art and drama have the same level of importance as other school subjects in the early stages of education. This essay
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agrees
with that statement,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
like playing the piano can contribute to the development of brain connections at an early age, and they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
children become interested in improving their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and pursue a career on those activities.

Having contact with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
like music or
Possible spelling mistake. 'theatre' is British English.
theatre
since the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elementary
academic level can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
children to grow brain connections related to specific functions, and that improvement can be helpful in the students' performance in other subjects.
For example
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who play a musical instrument since childhood have more neuronal synapses on the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
side of the brain, which is the area in charge of the logical reasoning necessary for solving mathematical problems.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
who have been in touch with artistic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
as a part of an educational program since
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elementary
grades are more likeable to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their innate
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of them realize that they are capable of pursuing a career in the arts.
For example
, Elisa Carrillo, who is the Mexican
Possible spelling mistake found.
Prima
Ballerina of The Berlin State Ballet, once said in an interview that she developed the desire of becoming a ballerina
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
she had ballet classes as a part of her regular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elementary
school program since she was in
first
grade.

In conclusion
, subjects related to the arts are as essential as the traditional ones,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to the neurological development of young minds and can
also
encourage skilled children to become professional artists.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Governments
in all countries should implement an educational school program for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elementary
grades that includes the basic learning of those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Some say that music, art and drama are as important as other school subjects, especially at the primary level. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
288 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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