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Completing university education is thought by some to be the best way to get a good job. On the other hand, other people think that getting experience and developing soft skills is more important. Discuss both sides and give your opinion. v.24

Completing university education is thought by some to be the best way to get a good job. On the other hand, other people think that getting experience and developing soft skills is more important. v. 24
Gender equality in the modern professional world is still a debatable issue. In some nations, some people advocate that both sexes can work in all professions, whereas, others believe that some jobs, namely police and army services, should only recruit males. In this essay, I will discuss both sides of the argument and express my point of view. On the one hand, first of all, many people believe that women who are not being treated the same way with the male counterparts is inevitably against the egalitarian thinking. Women and men should be given the same opportunities and chances irrespective of their sex chromosomes. All women should have the right to get a position in any jobs whether it is regarded as male-dominated or not in general. Secondly, employers demand self-disciplined, dedicated and ambitious workers in their businesses. This has nothing with the gender of the employee. It is known by many that sex is not important when dealing with important tasks. Take Apple Company as a prime example, where the high-level CEOs are almost half women and half men. The company believes that all hard-working people regardless of their genders could have the same success if treated equally. On the other hand, it is thought by some that women are not fit enough for some particular jobs. They believe that physical appearance and strength are crucial to getting a job done. Women tend to have less muscle strength by nature, so that makes them unsuitable for some professions. What's more, traditional mothers have been told for years to stay at home and raise up their children. A significant number of people are of the opinion that mothers do these tasks better than fathers and support the idea that women should not work in highly-demanded and challenging jobs, but nurture their homes and their beloved children. For example, many mothers in Cyprus, who are seeking jobs, are reluctant to work in the Army service owing to its physical exhaustion and long-lasting working hours. To conclude, in my opinion, although being physically weaker and having more responsibilities to look after their children, women's job offers should not be limited since this is their rights as well. Everyone should be treated equally and given the same chances of job offers in any field.
Gender equality in the modern professional world is
still
a debatable issue. In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
nations,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
advocate that both sexes can work in all professions, whereas, others
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
,
namely
police and army services, should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
recruit males. In this essay, I will discuss both sides of the argument and express my point of view.

On the one hand,
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
first of all
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
who are not
being treated
the same way with the male counterparts is
inevitably
against the egalitarian thinking.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Women
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
the same opportunities and chances irrespective of their sex chromosomes. All
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
should have the right to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a position in any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
whether it
is regarded
as male-dominated or not
in general
.
Secondly
, employers demand self-disciplined, dedicated and ambitious workers in their businesses. This has nothing with the gender of the employee. It
is known
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
that sex is not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
when dealing with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
tasks. Take Apple
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Company
as a prime example, where the high-level CEOs are almost half
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
and half
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believes
that all
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
-working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
regardless of their genders could have the same success if treated
equally
.

On the other hand
, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are not fit
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
particular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
. They
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that physical appearance and strength are crucial to getting a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
done.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Women
tend to have less muscle strength by nature,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them unsuitable for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
professions. What's more, traditional mothers have been
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
told
for years to stay at home and raise up their children. A significant number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are of the opinion that mothers do these tasks better than fathers and support the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
should not work in
highly
-demanded and challenging
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
nurture their homes and their beloved children.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
mothers in Cyprus, who are seeking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
, are reluctant to work in the Army service owing to its physical exhaustion and long-lasting working hours.

To conclude
, in my opinion, although being
physically
weaker and having more responsibilities to look after their children, women's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
offers should not
be limited
since this is their rights
as well
. Everyone should
be treated
equally
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
the same chances of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
offers in any field.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
To learn a language is to have one more window from which to look at the world.
Chinese Proverb

IELTS essay Completing university education is thought by some to be the best way to get a good job. On the other hand, other people think that getting experience and developing soft skills is more important. v. 24

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
381 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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