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Completing university education is though by some to be the best way to get a good job. On the other hand people think that getting experience and developing soft skills is more important. Discuss both sides and give your opinion v.1

Completing university education is though by some to be the best way to get a good job. On the other hand people think that getting experience and developing soft skills is more important. 1
It is often argued that there is a huge requirement for residency. However the only place which is accessible at the moment is the countryside. A small group of people is considered that it is more significant to secure the countryside instead of building brand new houses. In my opinion, I totally agree that they should be more protective about the non-urban area. To begin, this approach can be a negative impact on the trees and other nature. A fundamental reason for this is that a lot of trees will be cut down to build up new buildings for the community. For instance, this can give a negative effect on the CO2. This means that there will be a huge upward trend in the diseases and illnesses. So that’s why, it is more reliable to protect the nature of this idea. On the second hand, the country is a quiet and beautiful space for the elder community to live there. However, this can be destroyed by the arrival of recently developed buildings. The reason for this is that with this development, there will be new facilities to make it more comfortable for the people who live there. For example, the grocery shops and cinema's will be a lot closer to the residents. So that is why, most of the landscape will be destroyed with this plan. To conclude, I strongly believe that they should not agree with this approach because it can be negative for the nature and can destroy the countryside.
It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
argued that there is a huge requirement for residency.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
However
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
place which is accessible at the moment is the countryside. A
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
group of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
is considered
that it is more significant to secure the countryside
instead
of building
'brand new' seems to be a compound adjective in front of a noun. Use a hyphen: "brand-new".
brand new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
houses
. In my opinion, I
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that they should be more protective about the non-urban area.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
, this approach can be a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact on the trees and other nature. A fundamental reason for this is that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
trees will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cut
down to build up new buildings for the community.
For instance
, this can give a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effect on the CO2. This means that there will be a huge upward trend in the diseases and illnesses.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
that’s why, it is more reliable to protect the nature of this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
.

On the second hand, the country is a quiet and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
beautiful
space for the elder community to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
there.
However
, this can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
destroyed
by the arrival of recently developed buildings.
The reason for this is
that with this development, there will be new facilities to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
it more comfortable for the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
there.
For example
, the grocery shops and cinema's will be a lot closer to the residents.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
that is
why, most of the landscape will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
destroyed
with this plan.

To conclude
, I
strongly
believe that they should not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this approach
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it can be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
for the nature and can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
destroy
the countryside.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Learn a language, and you’ll avoid a war.
Arab Proverb

IELTS essay Completing university education is though by some to be the best way to get a good job. On the other hand people think that getting experience and developing soft skills is more important. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
252 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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