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Advertisement plays a major role on TV in developed market economies. Despite the benefits of such information, many people are critical of the role of TV advertising. Write an essay analyzing the positive and negative effects of TV advertisement. v.1

Advertisement plays a major role on TV in developed market economies. Despite the benefits of such information, many people are critical of the role of TV advertising. Write an essay analyzing the positive and negative effects of TV advertisement. v. 1
It is often argued that accepting unpleasant circumstances is a viable option, while others think that a person should always never leave efforts to overcome such situations. I believe that it is necessary to try hard with optimism in order to combat bad situations instead of adapting to them. On the one hand, some people think that they should adapt to unsatisfactory jobs or lack of money because they deserve it. That is to say that they think all this is happening due to their fortune which cannot be changed. Therefore, they find it better to adjust to such unpleasant situations rather than doing anything to change them. For instance, in India 18% of people have low socioeconomic status merely because of faith that they deserve to live such a life and they cannot do anything to change it. However, I am unconvinced by this idea of fate, I think people should try to improve their poor conditions. On the other hand, other people suggest that they should overcome such challenges by not giving up and trying hard with the positive attitude. This is because sometimes some conditions require additional efforts, hard work and determination to improve them. In fact, if a person does not get a satisfactory job or enough money, this might be due to lack of their proper effort to achieve that desired job or money. For an instance, it is reported in The Times newspaper that 45 % of university graduates fail to get highly paid jobs because they did not try hard to obtain those jobs despite of the fact that they had adequate skills for those jobs. Thus, I agree that people should make efforts to improve their situations. In conclusion, although some people decline to try for improving their poor conditions, it is wise to find solutions to overcome these by making appropriate efforts.
It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
argued that accepting unpleasant circumstances is a viable option, while others
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
that a person should always never
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
efforts
to overcome such situations. I believe that it is necessary to try
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hard
with optimism in order to combat
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
situations
instead
of adapting to them.

On the one hand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
that they should adapt to unsatisfactory
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
or lack of money
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they deserve it.
That is
to say that they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
all this is happening due to their fortune which cannot be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
.
Therefore
, they find it better to adjust to such unpleasant situations
rather
than doing anything to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
them.
For instance
, in India 18% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have low socioeconomic status
merely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of faith that they deserve to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
such a
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
life and
they cannot do anything to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
it.
However
, I
am unconvinced
by this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
of fate, I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should try to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their poor conditions.

On the other hand
, other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
suggest that they should overcome such challenges by not giving up and trying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hard
with the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
attitude. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
conditions require additional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
efforts
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hard
work and determination to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
them. In fact, if a person does not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a satisfactory
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
or
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
money, this might be due to lack of their proper
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
effort
to achieve that desired
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
or money. For an instance, it
is reported
in The Times newspaper that 45 % of university graduates fail to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
highly
paid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they did not try
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hard
to obtain those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
Did you mean "despite" (or, alternatively, 'in spite of')?
despite of
the fact that they had adequate
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
for those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
.
Thus
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
efforts
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their situations.

In conclusion
, although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
decline to try for improving their poor conditions, it is wise to find solutions to overcome these by making appropriate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
efforts
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Advertisement plays a major role on TV in developed market economies. Despite the benefits of such information, many people are critical of the role of TV advertising. Write an essay analyzing the positive and negative effects of TV advertisement. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
311 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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