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Companies should provide sports and social facilities for local communities. To what extent do you agree? v.2

Companies should provide sports and social facilities for local communities. v. 2
It is considered that the private organizations should provide social and sports services to the local communities. In my opinion, while the local firms should contribute in it up to a certain level, the actual responsibility should be on the government. On the one hand, the local companies should participate in providing sports and social services to the local community up to some extent. This is because the government is already facing enormous burden in managing and providing funds and arrangements for different sectors including social services and sports domain. For instance, in France, a recent survey showed that, the private owned companies in 2016 have contributed up to 15% in providing social and sports facilities for the local communities. Therefore companies should assist in social services such as medical facilities, housing, and sports to the local communities. On the other hand, however, the ultimate responsibility of providing social and sports facilities lies on the governing body. State has the sufficient budget availability to spend in the different sectors pertaining to the local people. Which in turn are most likely to be run successfully, due to the involvement of the government. Another reason of state role is that, it collects taxes from the citizens for providing services. This means, the government is responsible for providing health, education, and sports facilities. In Pakistan, for example, the government collects an annual tax of 20 billion from the citizens for their welfare. Thus, this money should be spent on the local community, in the form of medical care, sports and housing arrangements. In conclusion, it is believed that the local organizations ought to provide social and sports services. In my view, private companies should participate in such services up to some extent; however, eventually it is the government to deliver in making the availability of sports and social cares.
It
is considered
that the private organizations should provide
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
communities
. In my opinion, while the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
firms should contribute in it up to a certain level, the actual responsibility should be on the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
.

On the one hand, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
should participate in providing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
up to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extent. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
is already facing enormous burden in managing and providing funds and arrangements for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
sectors including
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
domain.
For instance
, in France, a recent survey
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
that, the private
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
owned
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
in 2016 have contributed up to 15% in providing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
facilities for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
communities
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
should assist in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
such as medical facilities, housing, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
communities.

On the other hand
,
however
, the ultimate responsibility of providing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
facilities lies on the governing body. State has the sufficient budget availability to spend in the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
sectors pertaining to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
. Which in turn are most likely to
be run
successfully
, due to the involvement of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
. Another reason of state role is that, it collects taxes from the citizens for providing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
. This means, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
is responsible for providing health, education, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
facilities. In Pakistan,
for example
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
collects an annual tax of 20 billion from the citizens for their welfare.
Thus
, this money should
be spent
on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
, in the form of medical care,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
and housing arrangements.

In conclusion
, it
is believed
that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
organizations ought to provide
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
. In my view, private
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
should participate in such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
up to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extent;
however
,
eventually
it is the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
to deliver in making the availability of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
cares.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
47Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay Companies should provide sports and social facilities for local communities. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
306 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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