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Companies should provide sports and social facilities for local communities. To what extent do you agree. v.1

Companies should provide sports and social facilities for local communities. v. 1
Nowadays, people are not connecting with the outside world because of their hectic work schedule. However, companies should have to develop the residing area by constructing parks, public gathering halls and sports complexes to the locals who stay nearby these industries. This essay shows that, how the companies will provide these facilities to the public. There are so many organisations in the city which are organising social runs for a cause on a regular basis. Likewise every company should make mandatory that to involve the locals in these types of events. Furthermore, there are so many benefits to the community like competition between the people increases and what is more is that the locals can expose to their dreams. For instance, there are less corporate sponsors who are interested in these types of games and gatherings. It should be made compulsory for all the companies. Another essential point is that if these events happens at regular intervals, then there is a chance of developing their own localities like roads, plantations and many more. These events not only overwhelms the people from participating, but also develops their colonies. Finally, its all the interest of the organisation by which they can make areas better in future. In my opinion, if everyone involves in this type of sporting and gathering there will lots of fun and new thoughts from the public whoever participates in the program. In conclusion, I pen down, saying that I agree that games, events and all other events in the companies’ surroundings will benefit the society and the communities.
Nowadays,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are not connecting with the outside world
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their hectic work schedule.
However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
should
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
develop the residing area by constructing parks, public gathering halls and sports complexes to the locals who stay nearby these industries. This essay
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that, how the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
will provide these facilities to the public.

There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisations' is British English.
organisations
in the city which are
Possible spelling mistake. 'organising' is British English.
organising
social runs for a cause on a regular basis.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Likewise
every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
mandatory that to involve the locals in these types of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
.
Furthermore
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
benefits to the community like competition between the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
increases
and
what is more
is that the locals can expose to their dreams.
For instance
, there are less corporate sponsors who
are interested
in these types of games and gatherings. It should
be made
compulsory for all the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
.

Another essential point is that if these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
happens at regular intervals, then there is a chance of developing their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
localities like roads, plantations and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
more. These
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
overwhelms the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
from participating,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
develops their colonies.
Finally
, its all the interest of the
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisation' is British English.
organisation
by which they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
areas better
Did you mean: "in the future"?
in future
.

In my opinion, if everyone involves in this type of sporting and gathering there will lots of fun and new thoughts from the public whoever participates in the program.

In conclusion
, I pen down, saying that I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that games,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
and all other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies’
surroundings will benefit the society and the communities.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
9Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes
Language is not a genetic gift, it is a social gift. Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay Companies should provide sports and social facilities for local communities. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
260 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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