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Climate change is an issue. Do you agree with this? v.5

Climate change is an issue. Do you agree with this? v. 5
The most qualified jobs have the highest salaries in my country, such as medicine because this kind of jobs deal with the most important issues of humans. I think teachers who give classes in primary and secondary schools and also high schools should have had better salaries because they are bringing new generations up. I do not agree with this. Everyone should have enough salary to live with dignity, but some jobs need more effort than others, and they deserve to be rewarded well. It depends on which mood I am in. If I am stressed and want to get relaxed, I prefer soft music, such as classical music. If I want to up my mood, I prefer electronic music or maybe pop music. I mostly like to listen to music when I feel good and have spare time because music is generally about being happy. When you are happy, you listen to music to enjoy yourself more. I used to try to learn how to play the piano, but it started getting harder after a while so I gave up doing so. I don't think all children should learn how to play a musical instrument if they are not eager to do so. Parents shouldn't force children to learn an instrument because it is not good for children's psychological development. I want to talk about my shopping from the Adidas store. I needed a new pair of slipper because the old one had been torn off. The shop offers a wide range of products, from sports equipments to underwears. The store looks like any store in malls, but it is relatively large so you don't feel suffocated while shopping, and also it takes a short time to try a product in fitting rooms because there are enough of them in there. The store is located in a mall which very close to my place so it takes about 20 minutes to go to the store by walk.
The most qualified jobs have the highest salaries in my country, such as medicine
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
this kind of jobs deal with the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
issues of humans.

I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
teachers who give classes in primary and secondary schools and
also
high schools should have had better salaries
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are bringing new generations up.

I do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this. Everyone should have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
salary to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
with dignity,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
jobs need more effort than others, and they deserve to
be rewarded
well.

It depends on which mood I am in. If I am
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stressed
and want to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
relaxed, I prefer soft
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
, such as classical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
. If I want to up my mood, I prefer electronic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
or maybe pop music.

I
mostly
like to listen to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
when I feel
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
and have spare time
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is
generally
about being happy. When you are happy, you listen to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
to enjoy yourself more.

I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to try to learn how to play the piano,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
getting harder after a while
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
I gave up doing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
.

I don't
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
all children should learn how to play a musical instrument if they are not eager to do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
. Parents shouldn't force children to learn an instrument
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
for children's psychological development.

I want to talk about my shopping from the Adidas
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
store
. I needed a new
Possible agreement error. The noun 'slipper' seems to be countable; consider using: "pair of slippers".
pair of slipper
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
one had
been torn
off. The shop offers a wide range of products, from sports equipments to
Possible spelling mistake found.
underwears
. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
store
looks like any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
store
in malls,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it is
relatively
large
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
you don't feel suffocated while shopping, and
also
it takes a short time to try a product in fitting rooms
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
of them in there.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
store
is located
in a mall which
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
close to my place
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
it takes about 20 minutes to go to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
store
by walk.
3Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
11Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay Climate change is an issue. Do you agree with this? v. 5

Essay
  American English
8 paragraphs
328 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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