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Climate change is an issue. Do you agree with this? v.2

Climate change is an issue. Do you agree with this? v. 2
I like swimming even if I can't find enough time to do it on a regular basis. I do swimming on my own in theswimming pool which is in a sport centre where is close to my place. I do enjoy swimming because firstly it has a positive effect on physical health, almost all muscles do work while swimming. Also, it does relax people because you forget your problems and concerns for a while when swimming. Lastly, it helps you keep fit. I can keep my body fit thanks to the swimming even if I do it on an irregular basis. I think when I was a child, we used to play traditional child games, such as hide and seek, in the streets, but nowadays children like to play games inside, on the computers I don't think it is a totally positive change. Firstly, they don't socialise with each other as much as older generations did when they were children. Secondly, it is not good for health; when you are outside home and playing games from sunrise to sunset, you keep your body healthy unconsciously, but now children are before the computers, and they finish the day with very little movement. Children like to play games because they have plenty of (free time), and they are easy to get bored if they don't do something specific, so they spend their free times by playing games with their friends. They both enjoy and kill the time. I think too competitive games are not good for children because some children may take those games too seriously, and they can be mean to their friends. This may cause the deterioration in friendship. I think group games in which you, on your own, are not able to achieve games can help unite people because in such games players should get a help from their teammates, and this may lead to develop a bond among teammates. Because thanks to the competition, people can show their full performance, and do their best, and it is likely to lead to better outcomes for everybody, an employee and employer. For example, if employees know that the one who will perform the best during a month will be promoted, it is likely that all employees work hard, and their performances rise in that month.
I like swimming even if I can't find
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
time to do it on a regular basis. I
The usual collocation for an activity ending in "-ing" is "go" not "do" or "play." Revise: "go swimming".
do swimming
on my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
in
Possible spelling mistake found.
theswimming
pool which is in a sport
Possible spelling mistake. 'centre' is British English.
centre
where is close to my place.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
I
do enjoy swimming
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
firstly
it has a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
effect on physical health, almost all muscles do work while swimming.
Also
, it does relax
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
you forget your problems and concerns for a while when swimming.
Lastly
, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
you
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
fit. I can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
my body fit thanks to the swimming even if I do it on an irregular basis.

I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
when I was a child, we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to play traditional child
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, such as
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
hide and seek
, in the streets,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
nowadays
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
like to play
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
inside, on the computers

Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
I
don't
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
it is a
totally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
.
Firstly
, they don't
Possible spelling mistake. 'socialise' is British English.
socialise
with each other as much as older generations did when they were
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
Secondly
, it is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
for health; when you are outside home and playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
from sunrise to sunset, you
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
your body healthy
unconsciously
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
the computers, and they finish the day with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
movement.

Children like to play
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of (free time), and they are easy to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
bored if they don't do something specific,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they spend their free times by playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
with their friends. They both enjoy and kill the time.

I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
too competitive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
are not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
may take those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
too
seriously
, and they can be mean to their friends. This may cause the deterioration in friendship.

I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
group
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
in which you, on your
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
, are not able to achieve
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
unite
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
in such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
players should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
from their teammates, and this may lead to develop a bond among teammates.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
thanks to the competition,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
their full performance, and do their best, and it is likely to lead to better outcomes for everybody, an employee and employer.
For example
, if employees know that the one who will perform the best during a month will
be promoted
, it is likely that all employees work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
, and their performances rise in that month.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
19Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Language is to the mind more than light is to the eye.
William Gibson

IELTS essay Climate change is an issue. Do you agree with this? v. 2

Essay
  American English
7 paragraphs
385 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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