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Children nowadays watch significantly now television than in the past which reduces their activity levels accordingly Why is this the case What measures can you suggest to encourage higher levels of activity among children v.2

Children nowadays watch significantly now television than in the past which reduces their activity levels accordingly Why is this the case What measures can you suggest to encourage higher levels of activity among children v. 2
Today there is a burgeoning rate of youngsters who prefer watching television than doing leisure activities and this causes an adverse effect on the development of children. Therefore, my essay will concentrate on main reasons and solutions for this issue. Regarding to the root of this case, there are two causes that can access children to television rather than outside activities. Firstly, it is true that television generates an undeniably immense enchantment to youngsters. Various channels there improved and updated day by day to adapt offspring’s demand such as Cartoon Network, CNN, BBC, with a wide range of children’s programs from entertaining to educational shows, are holding children’s foot in front of a television screen. Secondly, there are a large number of youngster’s playing areas visually narrowed along with the decrease in outside leisure activities. Consequently, youngsters in the modern world only stay at home after school time and spend many hours on digital technologies like television, which is considered as a drug. However, there are also various ways to solve this problem, which the most initial importance is a hearty attention to the development of country’s offspring. Whereby, people may construct children’s amusement parks, amusement centers or organize outside games like sports and art performances in order to captivate and stimulate children. Furthermore, parents should encourage their sons and daughters to attend according activities to improve comprehensively children’s physical and intellectual capabilities. Additionally, the school schedule should combine learning with sports or exercises to promote extra activities. The slogan: “extracurricular activities imperative for overall development” maybe suitable for these efforts. In conclusion, I emphasis two reasons holding children in front of television, which are the high quality of television programs and the decrease of children’s amusement areas. Nevertheless, a variety of methods may tackle this issue, which its core is the heart and the devotion of adults.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Today
there is a burgeoning rate of youngsters who prefer watching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
than doing leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
and this causes an adverse effect on the development of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
Therefore
, my essay will concentrate on main reasons and solutions for this issue.

The phrase 'Regarding to' is not correct. Use "Regarding" or "regard to".
Regarding to
the root of this case, there are two causes that can access
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
rather
than outside
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
.
Firstly
, it is true that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
generates an
undeniably
immense enchantment to youngsters. Various channels there
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
and updated day by day to adapt offspring’s demand such as Cartoon Network, CNN, BBC, with a wide range of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
programs from entertaining to educational
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
, are holding
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
foot in front of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
screen.
Secondly
, there are
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
a large number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
youngster’s
playing areas
visually
narrowed along with the decrease in outside leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
.
Consequently
, youngsters in the modern world
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
stay at home after school time and spend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
hours on digital technologies like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
, which
is considered
as a drug.

However
, there are
also
various ways to solve this problem, which the most initial importance is a hearty attention to the development of country’s offspring. Whereby,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
may construct
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
amusement parks, amusement centers or organize outside games like sports and art performances in order to captivate and stimulate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
Furthermore
, parents should encourage their sons and daughters to attend according
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
comprehensively
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
physical and intellectual capabilities.
Additionally
, the school schedule should combine learning with sports or exercises to promote extra
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
. The slogan: “extracurricular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
imperative for
overall
development” maybe suitable for these efforts.

In conclusion
, I
Did you mean "emphasize" (American English) or "emphasise" (British English)?
emphasis
two reasons holding
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in front of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
, which are the high quality of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
programs and the decrease of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
amusement areas.
Nevertheless
, a variety of methods may tackle this issue, which its core is the heart and the devotion of adults.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
23Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
Language is not a genetic gift, it is a social gift. Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay Children nowadays watch significantly now television than in the past which reduces their activity levels accordingly Why is this the case What measures can you suggest to encourage higher levels of activity among children v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
308 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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