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Children nowadays watch significantly more television than those in the past, which reduces their activities levels accordingly. Why is this case? What measures can you suggest to encourage higher levels of activity among children? v.1

Children nowadays watch significantly more television than those in the past, which reduces their activities levels accordingly. Why is this case? What measures can you suggest to encourage higher levels of activity among children? v. 1
It is true that recently more and more children are addicted to TV programs that makes them spend less space to engage in outdoor activities. This is caused by several reasons. Although there will undoubtedly be some negative consequences of this trend, societies can take steps to mitigate these potential problems. The main cause of this problem is that the parents are too busy that they do not have enough time to take care their children while they still want to keep the kids under the control. Giving them a television would drive their attention to it rather than asking their mom and dad to play with them. This lack of care makes the TV shows becoming the main way for the children to entertain. Moreover, the living standard is higher and higher, so that television is a technological product which has had a wide spread to every family. Thus, chance for kids to approach it is increasing. There are several actions that could be taken to eradicate the problems described above. Firstly, a simple solution would be the parents to set up time for children to watch TV. In other words, they should limit hour to turn on the television. For example, the kids are allowed to spend two hours per day on this item: one hour for each afternoon and evening and they would be restricted if they do not follow that schedule. The second measure would be for education organizations to encourage the physical activities. They could plan some competitions or challenges for kids and reward the winners to raise the attitude to sport and direct them to outdoor activities. To sum up, children are keen on the TV more than those in the past due to their parents and the thrive. Besides, various measures can be taken to tackle this issue.
It is true that recently more and more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are addicted
to TV programs that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them spend less space to engage in outdoor activities. This
is caused
by several reasons. Although there will
undoubtedly
be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
consequences of this trend, societies can take steps to mitigate these potential problems.

The main cause of this problem is that the parents are too busy that they do not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
time to take care their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
while they
still
want to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
under the control. Giving them a television would drive their attention to it
rather
than asking their mom and dad to play with them. This lack of care
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
the TV
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
becoming the main way for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to entertain.
Moreover
, the living standard is higher and higher,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that television is a technological product which has had a wide spread to every family.
Thus
, chance for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
to approach it is increasing.

There are several actions that could
be taken
to eradicate the problems
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
described
above.
Firstly
, a simple solution would be the parents to set up time for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
TV.
In other words
, they should limit hour to turn on the television.
For example
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to spend two hours per day on this item: one hour for each afternoon and
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
evening and
they would
be restricted
if they do not follow that schedule. The second measure would be for education organizations to encourage the physical activities. They could plan
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
competitions or challenges for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
and reward the winners to raise the attitude to sport and direct them to outdoor activities.

To sum up,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are keen on the TV more than those in the past due to their parents and
After 'the', do not use a verb. Make sure that the spelling of 'thrive' is correct. If 'thrive' is the first word in a compound adjective, use a hyphen between the two words. Note: This error message can occur if you use a verb as a noun, and the word is not a noun in standard English.
the thrive
.
Besides
, various measures can
be taken
to tackle this issue.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
9Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Children nowadays watch significantly more television than those in the past, which reduces their activities levels accordingly. Why is this case? What measures can you suggest to encourage higher levels of activity among children? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
305 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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