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Children in many countries are engaged in paid jobs. Many regard it as a harmful trend while others consider it as a valuable work experience, important for learning and taking responsibilities. v.2

Children in many countries are engaged in paid jobs. Many regard it as a harmful trend while others consider it as a valuable work experience, important for learning and taking responsibilities. v. 2
In recent days, it is quite common for some children join in some workplaces in several nations. Some assert that it poses bad impacts towards the children behaviour while the others believe that it is a remarkable chance to educate children to be a responsible person. This essay will look into both views with some considerations. People do realise that being a worker is not appropriate for children since they are still in the early age. People assert that they should enjoy their childhood first instead of participating in paid work. This is the time for them to play around together with their peers thus they will create some beautiful moments which are full of happiness in their age. In term of psychology, it develops them to be an introvert person and suffer from the social communication. They will tend to be mature earlier because they realise how hard life is. Therefore, they will lose their childhood which might never repeat again. On the other hand, there are some benefits for children to work on early age. First, it enables to be an independent person because they can earn money by their own.   Moreover, it educates them to be a responsible person because of their experiences. They will learn time management and problem-solving during working. As a result, they will be more ready to face this life even it poses a great help for them in the future since they have plenty of knowledge in that field. It is true that children will more respect and realise the meaning of this life since they already cope with some problems. However, it will affect their behaviour and culture identity. They will have different perspectives from their peers about this kind of life. Moreover, it will interfere their educations because of spending much time on working. To sum up, work for children can be a positive or negative thing, thus the role of parents and teachers are quite necessary to develop the children's character. As a result, children will not lose their childhood, but they are still able to gain an opportunity to work.
In recent days, it is quite common for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
workplaces in several nations.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
assert that it poses
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
impacts towards the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
while the others believe that it is a remarkable chance to educate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to be a responsible
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
. This essay will look into both views with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
considerations.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
do
Possible spelling mistake. 'realise' is British English.
realise
that being a worker is not appropriate for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
since they are
still
in the early age.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
assert that they should enjoy their childhood
first
instead
of participating in paid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
. This is the time for them to play around together with their peers
thus
they will create
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
beautiful
moments which are full of happiness in their age. In term of psychology, it develops them to be an introvert
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
and suffer from the social communication. They will tend to be mature earlier
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
Possible spelling mistake. 'realise' is British English.
realise
how
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
is.
Therefore
, they will lose their childhood which might never
Consider using "repeat".
repeat again
.

On the other hand
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
benefits for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
on early age.
First
, it enables to be an independent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they can earn money by their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
.
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
Moreover
, it educates them to be a responsible
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their experiences. They will learn time management and problem-solving during working.
As a result
, they will be more ready to face this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
even it poses a great
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
for them in the future since they have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of knowledge in that field.

It is true that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
will more respect and
Possible spelling mistake. 'realise' is British English.
realise
the meaning of this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
since they already cope with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
problems.
However
, it will affect their
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
and culture identity. They will have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
perspectives from their peers about this kind of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
Moreover
, it will interfere their educations
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of spending much time on working.

To sum up,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can be a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
or
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
thing,
thus
the role of parents and teachers are quite necessary to develop the children's character.
As a result
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
will not lose their childhood,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they are
still
able to gain an opportunity to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
.
15Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
20Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Children in many countries are engaged in paid jobs. Many regard it as a harmful trend while others consider it as a valuable work experience, important for learning and taking responsibilities. v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
353 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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