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Children from 7-11 now spend more time watching television and playing video games than before. What are the effects of this on children, families and society? What are the possible solutions to this problem? v.1

Children from 7-11 now spend more time watching television and playing video games than before. What are the effects of this on children, families and society? What are the possible solutions to this problem? v. 1
In recent years, a number of small businesses, especially the high street ones, have been shut down. While it has been been contemplated by many individuals that it brings positive development in the society, others think they bring nothing but negative improvement. I do accord with the latter statement that losing these independent businesses may glean negative impact from the society and in this essay, I will discuss the possible reasons of this situation. First and foremost, competing with large enterprises is barely possible for a small shopowner. This is a problem because young and wary customers are often attracted to healthy and safe ambience, which is provided by gigantic business chains. For example, a local fried chicken restaurant cannot wrestle with a KFC franchise in terms of hygiene, quality, and staff behaviour. Therefore, when employees gets laid off from street shops, the impact directly affects on the society. Another problem is that this type of entrepreneurs usually do not receive investments, bank loans, or government support like other technology startups or city-based shops. That is to say, a large number of shops may gradually die over the course of few years because of their inability to experiment innovative product lines or expand their business reach. For instance, a lot of tourists are not often tempted to buy something from an artisan shop cause the shop might have been selling the same product for the last decade. Furthermore, people place their trust and confidence on famous brands, whereas the enterprise on the highway may not be in it's best position to spend money on marketing. To sum up, many road-based businesses cannot survive without any financial or government assistance and align well with the big corporation in the market. To lift this negative development, local authorities might need to step up by creating strict rules and making flexible loans to keep the tradition alive.
In recent years, a number of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
businesses
,
especially
the high street ones, have
been shut
down. While it has
Possible typo: you repeated a word
been been
contemplated by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
individuals that it brings
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
development in the society, others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
they bring nothing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
improvement. I do accord with the latter statement that losing these independent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
businesses
may glean
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact from the society and in this essay, I will discuss the possible reasons of this situation.

First
and foremost, competing with large enterprises is
barely
possible for a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
Possible spelling mistake found.
shopowner
. This is a problem
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
young and wary customers are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
attracted to healthy and safe ambience, which
is provided
by gigantic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
chains.
For example
, a local fried chicken restaurant cannot wrestle with a KFC franchise in terms of hygiene, quality, and staff
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
.
Therefore
, when employees
Possible agreement error. You should probably use: "get".
gets
laid off from street
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shops
, the impact
directly
affects on the society.

Another problem is that this type of entrepreneurs
usually
do not receive investments, bank loans, or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
support like other technology startups or city-based
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shops
.
That is
to say,
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
a large number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shops
may
gradually
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
die
over the course of few years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their inability to experiment innovative product lines or expand their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
reach.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
tourists are not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
tempted to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
something from an artisan
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shop
cause the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shop
might have been selling the same product for the last decade.
Furthermore
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
place their trust and confidence on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
brands, whereas the enterprise on the highway may not be in it's best position to spend money on marketing.

To sum up,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
road-based
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
businesses
cannot survive without any financial or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
assistance and align well with the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
corporation in the market. To lift this
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
development, local authorities might need to step up by creating strict
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
and making flexible loans to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
the tradition alive.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Children from 7-11 now spend more time watching television and playing video games than before. What are the effects of this on children, families and society? What are the possible solutions to this problem? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
314 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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