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Children are facing more pressures nowadays from academic, social and commercial perspectives. What are the causes of these pressures and what measures should be taken to reduce this? v.18

Children are facing more pressures nowadays from academic, social and commercial perspectives. What are the causes of these pressures and what measures should be taken to reduce this? v. 18
With the ever increasing competition and demands in life, a child’s family, school and society as a whole expects too much from a child. While it is important to excel in study, sports, social activities and in other aspects of life, those children should be shielded from the mounting pressure by maintaining a balance in their life. Otherwise, the expectation would act as a boomerang and hamper the proper development of a child. The world has become more competitive than it was ever before. For instance, I did not have to compete with anyone to get admitted in my primary school but my nephew had to take an entrance exam to actually get enrolled in the same school and one in every twelve applicants was successful to do so. Besides, my generation has plenty of time to enjoy besides attending classes while this is completely opposite for the current generation. They attend classes, take extra coaching, go to music and arts schools and read far many books and all these activities are meant to fulfil their parents' dream that the child would be the top scorer, a math genius as well as a great soccer player and a renowned artist. Is this a rational expectation? Not in my opinion. Parents and the society have to draw a line on their expectation and find out the true potential of a child rather than pushing them constantly. The state should discourage having an entrance exam in elementary school and have sufficient funds to ensure proper entertainment and sports facilities in schools. Teachers should not pressurize children to do homework every day and make school a place to learn in a fun way. Furthermore, social perspective to prepare every boy or girl to become a doctor, engineer or a higher-wage-earning professional should be changed. To conclude, children today are being pushed beyond their limit to achieve academic, social and commercial success and this has unfathomable negative consequences. The parents and teachers should find the hidden talent of a child, not try to make them something they are not meant to be.
With the
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
ever increasing
competition and demands in life, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child’s
family,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
and society as a whole
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expects
too much from a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
. While it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to excel in study, sports, social activities and in other aspects of life, those children should
be shielded
from the mounting pressure by maintaining a balance in their life.
Otherwise
, the expectation would act as a boomerang and hamper the proper development of a child.

The world has become more competitive than it was ever
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
.
For instance
, I did not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
compete with anyone to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
admitted in my primary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
my nephew had to take an entrance exam to actually
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
enrolled in the same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
and one in every twelve applicants was successful to do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
.
Besides
, my generation has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of time to enjoy
besides
attending classes while this is completely opposite for the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
generation. They attend classes, take extra coaching, go to music and arts
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
and read far
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
books and all these activities
are meant
to fulfil their parents' dream that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
would be the top scorer, a math genius
as well
as a great soccer player and a renowned artist. Is this a rational expectation? Not in my opinion. Parents and the society
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
draw a line on their expectation and find out the true potential of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
rather
than pushing them
constantly
. The state should discourage having an entrance exam in elementary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
and have sufficient funds to ensure proper entertainment and sports facilities in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
. Teachers should not pressurize children to do homework every day and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
a place to learn
Consider replacing "in a fun way" with the adverb for "fun"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in a fun way
.
Furthermore
, social perspective to prepare every boy or girl to become a doctor, engineer or a higher-wage-earning professional should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
.

To conclude
, children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
are
being pushed
beyond their limit to achieve academic, social and commercial success and this has unfathomable
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
consequences. The parents and teachers should find the hidden talent of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
, not try to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them something they are not meant to be.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
12Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Children are facing more pressures nowadays from academic, social and commercial perspectives. What are the causes of these pressures and what measures should be taken to reduce this? v. 18

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
348 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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