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Childhood obesity is increasing in Australia. As many as two third of children are now obese. Schools have a responsibility to monitor what their students eat and the amount of exercise they do. To what extend do you agree with this statement? v.1

Childhood obesity is increasing in Australia. As many as two third of children are now obese. Schools have a responsibility to monitor what their students eat and the amount of exercise they do. v. 1
There is a frequent observation of overweight issues among the younger generation these days in Australia. Some people believe that, the educational institutes should be responsible for the nutrition and the physical activities of the students. This essay will discuss that, in my opinion, the schools should keep a close check on the health of their students as they spend the maximum time of their day with them and they learn important habits at their place. The average academic hours for an Australian child are about eight hours a day. Therefore, it is the responsibility of the learning centres to keep an eye on their food and workout regimes because they spend a lot of their waking hours in schools. For example, a few institutes have made patterns that promote strict rules for meals in lunch box provided by the parents and exercise classes every alternative day. All these efforts help them to teach a child the importance of a correct diet along with developing good food habits. Additionally, the children adopt habits very easily during their schooling age. Hence, it is very important for their teachers to teach them the importance of healthy nutrition and daily workout to maintain good health. For instance, a recent survey concluded that the students who consume balanced nutrition and follow exercise protocols have learnt these habits from their school patterns. Therefore, it is proved that educational institutes should be responsible for diet education and physical regime of their pupils as they will develop correct habits easily. In conclusion, a large number of children in Australia are seen to develop obesity. This essay discussed why it is the duty of learning centres to keep a close observation on the nutritional intake and exercise output of their pupils as they spend a majority of their waking hours and they can adopt good habits easily in school. In my opinion, it is the duty of educational centre to invigilate the health of their pupils.
There is a frequent observation of overweight issues among the younger generation these days in Australia.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that, the educational institutes should be responsible for the nutrition and the physical activities of the students. This essay will discuss that, in my opinion, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
a close
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
check
on the health of their students as they spend the maximum time of their day with
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
them and
they learn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
habits
at their place.

The average academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
for an Australian child are about eight
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
a day.
Therefore
, it is the responsibility of the learning
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
an eye on their food and workout regimes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they spend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
their waking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
.
For example
, a few institutes have made patterns that promote strict
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
for meals in lunch box provided by the parents and exercise classes every alternative day. All these efforts
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to teach a child the importance of a correct diet along with developing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
food habits.

Additionally
, the children adopt
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
habits
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
easily
during their schooling age.
Hence
, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for their teachers to teach them the importance of healthy nutrition and daily workout to maintain
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
health.
For instance
, a recent survey concluded that the students who consume balanced nutrition and follow exercise protocols have
Possible spelling mistake. 'learnt' is British English.
learnt
these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
habits
from their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
patterns.
Therefore
, it
is proved
that educational institutes should be responsible for diet education and physical regime of their pupils as they will develop correct
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
habits
easily
.

In conclusion
,
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
a large number of
children in Australia are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
to develop obesity. This essay discussed why it is the duty of learning
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
a close observation on the nutritional intake and exercise output of their pupils as they spend a majority of their waking
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
hours and
they can adopt
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
habits
easily
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
. In my opinion, it is the duty of educational
Possible spelling mistake. 'centre' is British English.
centre
to invigilate the health of their pupils.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Childhood obesity is increasing in Australia. As many as two third of children are now obese. Schools have a responsibility to monitor what their students eat and the amount of exercise they do. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
328 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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