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Central and local governments make a frantic attempt to promote festivals to create a lot of revenue. Some people think this money should be invested in social programmes for the poor. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? v.1

Central and local governments make a frantic attempt to promote festivals to create a lot of revenue. Some people think this money should be invested in social programmes for the poor. with this statement? v. 1
It is said that the major parameter in designing a building is its intended use of it than its external design. I generally agree that how it functions is a key factor, but I think that its external design is as important. On the one hand, a building must perform its basic function for the users and owners e. g. Sufficient space. So it should provide enough area for the residents consequently they could feel motivated and comfortable. For example, when designing a school, engineers must calculate the proper area for parking to provide the student's safety, allocating a playground, considering classes large enough which are suitable for learners and other rooms like computer rooms, libraries, lab, and auditorium. On the other hand, the exterior should not be underestimated because it seems to be one of the major factors in reducing electrical energy. As buildings are one of the elements which consume energy. So that its exterior must be designed in a way to optimize the loss of electrical energy for cooling, the air, and the daylight which enters the building. For this reason, the shades, windows, and exterior should be designed perfectly. However, a very important factor is the building type e. g the priority in institutional buildings like hospitals, schools, and sanatorium would be maximizing the function and efficiency of it, but in recreational l buildings like restaurants, shopping malls the preference would be taken the exterior. To summarize, while I believe that the functionality of the building is crucial, the outer design cannot be ignored.
It
is said
that the major parameter in designing a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
building
is its intended
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of it than its external design. I
generally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that how it functions is a key factor,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that its external design is as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
.

On the one hand, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
building
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
perform its basic function for the users and owners
There should be no space here: "e.g.".
e. g.
Sufficient space.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
it should provide
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
area for the residents
consequently
they could feel motivated and comfortable.
For example
, when designing a school, engineers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
calculate the proper area for parking to provide the student's safety, allocating a playground, considering classes large
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
which are suitable for learners and other rooms like computer rooms, libraries, lab, and auditorium.

On the other hand
, the exterior should not
be underestimated
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it seems to be one of the major factors in reducing electrical energy.
“As” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
As
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buildings
are one of the elements which consume energy.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
that its exterior
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be designed
in a way to optimize the loss of electrical energy for cooling, the air, and the daylight which enters the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
building
.
For this reason
, the shades, windows, and exterior should
be designed
perfectly
.

However
, a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
factor is the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
building
type e. g the priority in institutional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buildings
like hospitals, schools, and sanatorium would be maximizing the function and efficiency of it,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
in recreational l
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buildings
like restaurants, shopping malls the preference would
be taken
the exterior.

To summarize
, while I believe that the functionality of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
building
is crucial, the outer design cannot be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignored
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Central and local governments make a frantic attempt to promote festivals to create a lot of revenue. Some people think this money should be invested in social programmes for the poor. with this statement? v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
258 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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