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Central and local government make a frantic attempt to promote festivals to create a lot of revenue. Some people think this money should be invested in social programs for the poor. v.2

Central and local government make a frantic attempt to promote festivals to create a lot of revenue. Some people think this money should be invested in social programs for the poor. v. 2
Nowadays, we live in an age of modern society. As a result, central and local authority tries to promote festival so as to increase revenue. However, some people believe that it is necessary to invest money in social programs for the poor. I agree that money used for social program needs to be prioritized. On the other hand, it is undeniable that investing festival will bring a great deal of advantages. The revenue which comes from promoting festivals may become the crucial elements to deal with financial disorder. Moreover, it should be highlighted that improving tourists can lead to enhancing reputations in the local area. If the local union makes a frantic attempt to promote festivals, local cities will become one of the best destinations for tourists. However, I believe that there are a number of advantages to investing money in social programs instead of festivals. First of all, the demand of the poor is more pressing than others. Some researchers point out that the number of unemployment is increasing annual yearly. Moreover, unemployed people have a tendency to become poorer. Because the rate of jobless people will have a lot of negative effects on society, state need to backup them. Another point is that promoting social programs play a vital role in decreasing social issues. A reason for that is that if central and local government subsidize the amount of the budget which are provided for medicine and charity, the life quality of citizen will be improved. As a consequence, people do not have worry about their life and the number of crimes will be decreased. To sum up, although promoting festivals have a lot of positive influences on creating revenue. Central and local state should focus on investing in social programs for the poor.
Nowadays, we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in an age of modern society.
As a result
, central and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
authority tries to promote
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
festival
'So as to' expresses purpose and is used in formal texts. Consider using "to"
so as to
increase revenue.
However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that it is necessary to invest money in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
programs
for the poor. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that money
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
program
needs to
be prioritized
.

On the other hand
, it is undeniable that investing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
festival
will bring a great deal of advantages. The revenue which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
from promoting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
festivals
may become the crucial elements to deal with financial disorder.
Moreover
, it should
be highlighted
that improving tourists can lead to enhancing reputations in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
area. If the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
union
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
a frantic attempt to promote
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
festivals
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
cities will become one of the best destinations for tourists.

However
, I believe that there are a number of advantages to investing money in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
programs
instead
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
festivals
.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, the demand of the poor is more pressing than others.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
researchers point out that the number of unemployment is increasing annual yearly.
Moreover
, unemployed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have a tendency to become poorer.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
the rate of jobless
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects on society, state need
Did you mean "to back up"?
to backup
them.

Another point is that promoting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
programs
play a vital role in decreasing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
issues. A reason for
that is
that if central and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
subsidize the amount of the budget which
are provided
for medicine and charity, the life quality of citizen will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
. As a consequence,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not have worry about their life and the number of crimes will
be decreased
.

To sum up, although promoting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
festivals
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
influences on creating revenue. Central and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
state should focus on investing in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
programs
for the poor.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Central and local government make a frantic attempt to promote festivals to create a lot of revenue. Some people think this money should be invested in social programs for the poor. v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
296 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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