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Bringing in foreign workers to fill positions that domestic workers are unwilling to do can cause problems in the local community and should therefore be stopped Do what extent do you agree with this v.1

Bringing in foreign workers to fill positions that domestic workers are unwilling to do can cause problems in the local community and should therefore be stopped Do what extent do you agree with this v. 1
Around the world has been observed that many people are spending less hours at bedtime. It can be caused by many factors such as refreshment eaten time, medical condition, jet lag, and even pregnancy in the last months. All of them, causing side effects such as reduction of melatonin secreted, cranky, and the development of diseases. The reasons of sleeplessness can be diverse, starting from most of people are taking sleep for granted, giving importance to the overwork, which sacrifices the bedtime and many times never rewarded. Moreover, the consumption of drinks with high content of caffeine and alcohol reduces the production of sleep hormones, losing the ability to fall asleep easily. Furthermore, medical conditions like obesity, diabetes, asthma and sleep apnoea contribute in the restless sleeping. As well as Jet Lag due to the changes in time zone, which switches the internal clock and can take days to be reestablished, and pregnancy in the last months. The reduction on bedtime spent is not beneficial for the health and can cause side effects. Which can produce as individual as society's problems. Individually, research have been shown the declining of melatonin, getting harder time to get asleep and therefore, to be involved in cranky days, and increasing the development of diseases such as insomnia, obesity and psychological disorders, which can end up in reckless behaviour. While from the society point of view, it is clear the rising on the illness and psychological rates. Which involves and increment in suicides. In conclusion, sleeping enough hours (eight - nine) is essential for the recovery of energy in the body and memory process. Therefore, skipping sleep is a critical matter to keep the society healthy. Although, many people prefer overwork rather than wind down after labour day and to get a pleasant bedtime.
Around the world has
been observed
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are spending
Did you mean "fewer hours"?
less hours
at bedtime. It can
be caused
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
factors such as refreshment eaten
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, medical condition, jet lag, and even pregnancy in the last months. All of them, causing side effects such as reduction of melatonin secreted, cranky, and the development of diseases.

The reasons of sleeplessness can be diverse, starting from most of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are taking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sleep
for granted, giving importance to the overwork, which sacrifices the bedtime and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
times
never rewarded.
Moreover
, the consumption of drinks with high content of caffeine and alcohol
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduces
the production of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sleep
hormones, losing the ability to fall asleep
easily
.
Furthermore
, medical conditions like obesity, diabetes, asthma and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sleep
Possible spelling mistake found.
apnoea
contribute in the restless sleeping.
As well
as Jet Lag due to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
zone, which switches the internal clock and can take days to
be reestablished
, and pregnancy in the last months.

The reduction on bedtime spent is not beneficial for the health and can cause side effects.
“Which” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Which
can produce as individual as society's problems.
Individually
, research have
been shown
the declining of melatonin, getting harder
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
asleep and
therefore
, to
be involved
in cranky days, and increasing the development of diseases such as insomnia, obesity and psychological disorders, which can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up in reckless
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
. While from the society point of view, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
the rising on the illness and psychological rates. Which involves and increment in suicides.

In conclusion
, sleeping
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
hours (eight
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
-
nine) is essential for the recovery of energy in the body and memory process.
Therefore
, skipping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sleep
is a critical matter to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
the society healthy. Although,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
prefer overwork
rather
than wind down after
If the term is a proper noun, use initial capitals.
labour day
and to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a pleasant bedtime.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
The conquest of learning is achieved through the knowledge of languages.
Roger Bacon

IELTS essay Bringing in foreign workers to fill positions that domestic workers are unwilling to do can cause problems in the local community and should therefore be stopped Do what extent do you agree with this v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
299 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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