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Some people think computers and the Internet are more important in a child’s education. Others believe that schools and teachers are essential for children’s learning. Discuss both views and give your opinion. v.1

Some people think computers and the Internet are more important in a child’s education. Others believe that schools and teachers are essential for children’s learning. v. 1
The Source of government funds is mostly from the tax paid by the general public. Therefore, it is very crucial as to how the tax payer's hard earned money spent for the progress of the nation, funding scientific research is generally a costly and time consuming affairs, as compared to investment in commercial organization which yields higher returns on investment. Therefore, I completely disagree with the ideology of funding in scientific research as a better option for investment in a commercial organization. Firstly, let us analyse as to how a country or rather the leader of the country determines as to how the government funds are to be budgeted for the development of the country. Generally, the leader of the country prepare and submit a budget manifesto every financial year and during this process, they have the opportunity to foresee and evaluate the pros and cons of each investment against the target benefits. As to the outcome of this process only about 10%-12% of the funds were budgeted for scientific research on the other hand, nearly 70% of the funds were allocated for investment in commercial organizations. It is due to such diplomatic strategies taken after careful analysis: a country is able to sustain all highs and lows of economical affairs. Secondly, as it is well known the necessity is the mother of all investment, it is the commercial sector that necessitates the requirement for scientific research. For instance, the need to make data transmission faster led to the development of optical fibre technology. Similarly, the need to make communication easier led to the development of mobile phones. It is important to note that in both the cases i. e to make data transmission faster and communication easier were means and ways to support the growth of commercial organizations. In conclusion, although scientific research and commercial organization depend on each other for each other's development, it is actually the growth of commercial organizations that supports the concept of sustainable development to maintain a stable economy.
The Source of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
funds is
mostly
from the tax paid by the
Consider using "public".
general public
.
Therefore
, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
crucial as to how the tax payer's
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
hard earned
money spent for the progress of the nation, funding
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
scientific
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
research
is
generally
a costly and
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
time consuming
affairs, as compared to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
investment
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
commercial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
organization
which yields higher returns on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
investment
.
Therefore
, I completely disagree with the ideology of funding in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
scientific
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
research
as a better option for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
investment
in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
commercial
organization.

Firstly
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
us
Possible spelling mistake. 'analyse' is British English.
analyse
as to how a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
or
rather
the leader of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
determines as to how the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
funds are to
be budgeted
for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
.
Generally
, the leader of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
prepare and submit a budget manifesto every financial year and during this process, they have the opportunity to foresee and evaluate the pros and cons of each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
investment
against the target benefits. As to the outcome of this process
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
about 10%-12% of the funds
were budgeted
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
scientific
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
research
on the other hand
,
nearly
70% of the funds
were allocated
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
investment
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
commercial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
organizations
. It is due to such diplomatic strategies taken after careful analysis: a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
is able to sustain all highs and lows of
Did you mean "economic" (=connected with economy)?
economical
affairs.

Secondly
, as it is well known the necessity is the mother of all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
investment
, it is the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
commercial
sector that necessitates the requirement for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
scientific
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
research
.
For instance
, the need to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
data transmission faster led to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
of optical
Possible spelling mistake. 'fibre' is British English.
fibre
technology.
Similarly
, the need to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
communication easier led to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
of mobile phones. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to note that in both the cases i. e to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
data transmission faster and communication easier were means and ways to support the growth of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
commercial
organizations.

In conclusion
, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
scientific
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
research
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
commercial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
organization
depend on each other for each other's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
, it is actually the growth of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
commercial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
organizations
that supports the concept of sustainable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
to maintain a stable economy.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
One language sets you in a corridor for life. Two languages open every door along the way.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay Some people think computers and the Internet are more important in a child’s education. Others believe that schools and teachers are essential for children’s learning. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
335 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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