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Both the poor and the rich find the accessibility into university difficult. do you agree or disagree? v.8

Both the poor and the rich find the accessibility into university difficult. v. 8
Education is important in all parts of the world and being an undergraduate is even more treasured in the world. As a tradition, half of the children from the world population are getting their primary education from the colleges as a necessity. But the Higher education qualification will accept only for some set of students based on their performance as well as the financial status. In my opinion, the above state must be true as the government will offer scholarships for high performing students from different universities based in local and overseas both. But for other students who have not accomplished the required passing mark for the university entrance have to look at the private institutes which is more costly. Firstly, it must be admitted, the cost for the private universities are dramatically increasing. Sometimes the total amount is not bearable for many students. Because of that they decide to quit it from the college level. By considering this fact, some of the banks have introduced educational loans for students to continue their primary education to higher level education which is not going to be an obstacle anymore for students who are not be able to pay the university fee. On the other hand, There are some set of students who are financially stable but not with sufficient education qualifications which are must to get into the university. According to the university laws, to enrol for a particular degree or a programme the student should get the expected mark from the entry level examination. It does not depend on how rich you are. You still have to be qualified. As to conclude, Getting into a university does not rely on wealth and poverty, but it all matters with the qualifications. Therefore each and everyone who wishes to go to universities find difficulties to get the admission.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Education
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
in all parts of the world and being an undergraduate is even more treasured in the world. As a tradition, half of the children from the world population are getting their primary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
from the colleges as a necessity.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
the Higher
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
qualification will accept
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
set of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
based on their performance
as well
as the financial status. In my opinion, the above state
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be true as the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
will offer scholarships for high performing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
based in local and overseas both.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
for other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
have not accomplished the required passing mark for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
entrance
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
look at the private institutes which is more costly.

Firstly
, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be admitted
, the cost for the private
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
are
dramatically
increasing.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Sometimes
the total amount is not bearable for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
.
“Because” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Because
of that they decide to quit it from the college level. By considering this fact,
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
banks have introduced educational loans for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to continue their primary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
to higher level
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
which is not going to be an obstacle anymore for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are not
Consider using a past participle here: "been".
be
able to pay the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
fee.

On the other hand
, There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
set of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are
financially
stable
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not with sufficient
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
qualifications which are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
into the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
. According to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
laws, to enrol for a particular degree or a
Possible spelling mistake. 'programme' is British English.
programme
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expected
mark from the entry level examination. It does not depend on how rich you are. You
still
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
be qualified
.

As
to conclude
, Getting into a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
does not rely on wealth and poverty,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it all matters with the qualifications.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
each and
Did you mean "every one"?
everyone
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
wishes to go to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
find difficulties to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the admission.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
26Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Both the poor and the rich find the accessibility into university difficult. v. 8

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
306 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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