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Both the poor and the rich find the accessibility into university difficult. Do you agree or disagree? v.2

Both the poor and the rich find the accessibility into university difficult. v. 2
Some people believe that both the wealthy and the less privileged students have difficulty getting into universities. I do not quite agree with this view. I believe that / in my opinion, children from affluent families can easily get admitted to top universities; however, it is quite difficult for poor students. To begin with, being born in a rich family is a boon. Rich kids have access to almost everything including a college seat. In every private institution, there are seats reserved for students willing to pay enormous capitation fee. It does not really matter whether they have good grades or not. In other words, even if a student does not excel in academics, they still have the option of getting admission to any course of their choice if they are willing to pay huge admission fee. This is not possible for a student coming from a poor background. Another point to consider is that parents of students coming from rich families have influential contacts. For instance, they are connected to college trustees and raise funds for events. With recommendations from such top people they can easily get admission for their children in any institution of their choice. On the other hand, young people with no money or influence have to strive hard to get scholarships so that they can continue their studies. If they fail to win a scholarship their dream of pursuing higher education is shattered. Statistics reveal that poor students are more likely to drop out of college than rich students because of their inability to pay the tuition fee. To recapitulate, it is easier for a child to get admitted to university provided that he has enough money or influence. Conversely, it is quite difficult for students coming from non-affluent families because they have neither money nor people willing to recommend them for a seat.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that both the wealthy and the less privileged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
have difficulty getting into universities. I do not quite
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this view. I believe that / in my opinion, children from affluent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
can
easily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
admitted to top universities;
however
, it is quite difficult for poor students.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
being born
in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rich
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
is a boon.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Rich
kids have access to almost everything including a college seat. In every private institution, there are seats reserved for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
willing to pay enormous capitation fee. It does not
really
matter whether they have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
grades or not.
In other words
, even if a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
does not excel in academics, they
still
have the option of getting admission to any course of their choice if they are willing to pay huge admission fee. This is not possible for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
coming from a poor background. Another point to consider is that parents of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
coming from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rich
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
have influential contacts.
For instance
, they
are connected
to college trustees and raise funds for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
. With recommendations from such top
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
they can
easily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
admission for their children in any institution of their choice.

On the other hand
, young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
with no money or influence
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
strive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
scholarships
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they can continue their studies.
“If” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
If
they fail to win a scholarship their dream of pursuing higher education
is shattered
. Statistics reveal that poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are more likely to drop out of college than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rich
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their inability to pay the tuition fee.

To recapitulate, it is easier for a child to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
admitted to university provided that he has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
money or influence.
Conversely
, it is quite difficult for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
coming from non-affluent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they have neither money nor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
willing to recommend them for a seat.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
20Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
You live a new life for every new language you speak. If you know only one language, you live only once.
Czech Proverb

IELTS essay Both the poor and the rich find the accessibility into university difficult. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
309 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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