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Both the poor and the rich find the accessibility into university difficult. Do you agree or disagree? v.16

Both the poor and the rich find the accessibility into university difficult. v. 16
It is said that attending to a university is equally challenging for both wealthy and low-income group. I completely disagree with it because high education is expensive nowadays and scholarship is only available for the limited part of students. Firstly, universities demand unaffordable annual fees that can be problematic for low-income groups while for prosperous people it is manageable effortlessly. In other words, for young rich adults there is no need to worry about finances and they can focus on preparation for admission. Contrary to them, low-income persons are desperately trying to receive a scholarship, which is demanding excellent marks and outstanding achievements. Somebody probably argue that moneyless persons could take an educational loan, however the idea to start your life from the huge debts is not encouraging to pursue higher education. Secondly, descendants of wealthy family have advantages over those who grew up in the poor environment. For instance, children from the rich group attend private schools and private tutors in case of problematic subject. This kind of children is well trained in terms of formal education as well as have excellent problem-solving skills. Whiles in contrast, kids from low-income group attend regular schools and have to manage every educational issue by themselves. In addition, due to unhealthy environment they could have low-self-esteem issues and lack of problem-solving skills, which is necessary for such a demanding goal as high education. Thus, it is obvious that they have less possibility to get into a university along with wealthy ones. In conclusion, I totally disagree with the idea that enrolling in to the university is equally achievable for both income groups.
It
is said
that attending to a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
is
equally
challenging for both wealthy and low-income
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
. I completely disagree with it
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
high education is expensive nowadays and scholarship is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
available for the limited part of students.

Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
demand unaffordable annual fees that can be problematic for low-income
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
groups
while for prosperous
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
it is manageable
effortlessly
.
In other words
, for young rich adults there is no need to worry about
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
finances and
they can focus on preparation for admission. Contrary to them, low-income persons are
desperately
trying to receive a scholarship, which is demanding excellent marks and outstanding achievements. Somebody
probably
The pronoun 'Somebody' is usually used with a third-person or a past tense verb: "argues", "argued".
argue
that
Possible spelling mistake found.
moneyless
persons could take an educational loan,
however
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
your life from the huge debts is not encouraging
Did you mean "pursuing"? Or maybe you should add a pronoun? In active voice, 'encourage' + 'to' takes an object, usually a pronoun.
to pursue
higher education.

Secondly
, descendants of wealthy family have advantages over those who grew up in the poor environment.
For instance
, children from the rich
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
attend private schools and private tutors in case of problematic subject. This kind of children is
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
well trained
in terms of formal education
as well
as have excellent problem-solving
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
. Whiles
in contrast
, kids from low-income
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
attend regular schools and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
manage every educational issue by themselves.
In addition
, due to unhealthy environment they could have low-self-esteem issues and lack of problem-solving
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
, which is necessary for such a demanding goal as high education.
Thus
, it is obvious that they have less possibility to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
into a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
along with wealthy ones.

In conclusion
, I
totally
disagree with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that enrolling in to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
is
equally
achievable for both income
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
groups
.
15Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
9Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay Both the poor and the rich find the accessibility into university difficult. v. 16

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
270 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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