Do you want to improve your writing? Try our new evaluation service and get detailed feedback.
Check Your Text it's free

Both the poor and the rich find the accessibility into university difficult. Do you agree or disagree? v.11

Both the poor and the rich find the accessibility into university difficult. v. 11
It is widely argued that the younger generation requires to choose their own career pathway, while others believe that the parents should do it for them. This essay will discuss both perspective and provide my personal opinion on why the first statement is more significant. When addressing the work field, many parents believe that certain professions will bring higher income. In Singapore, for instance, 95% of graduates in Nanyang University stated that their parents selected their major degree, despite their own interests towards the subject. Although, survey later discovered that 80% of those graduates earn more than SGD$70, 000 annually and have received an offer prior their graduation, half of them mentioned that they are not happy or satisfied during their work. Therefore, parents' selection may bring a better future for their offsprings, however, they will eventually realise that the job may not be enjoyable. On the other hand, in my opinion, children should be able to choose their own profession. Firstly, it can significantly increase their mental well-being. In 2015, researchers found that pupils who follow their passion as an occupation have less depression and more motivation to do their job. Additionally, passionate job allows them to get promotion quicker than their peers, which also equivalent to higher salaries. This is because of the fact that they are able to work harder and offer more hours during their working period. Hence, offsprings should be able to select their own profession in order to decrease their depression and increase their job promotion. In conclusion, although many parents think that selecting the career for their children may bring better income, based on the essay above it will instead deteriorate their mental health. In my opinion, the younger generation should have the right to choose their own profession, since this will allow them to have a better health and career in the future.
It is
widely
argued that the younger generation requires to choose their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
career pathway, while others believe that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should do it for them. This essay will discuss both perspective and provide my personal opinion on why the
first
statement is more significant.

When addressing the work field,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
believe that certain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professions
will bring higher income. In Singapore,
for instance
, 95% of
The verb 'to graduate' requires the preposition 'from': "graduates from".
graduates
in
Possible spelling mistake found.
Nanyang
University stated that their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
selected their major degree, despite their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
interests towards the subject. Although, survey later discovered that 80% of those graduates earn more than SGD$70, 000
annually
and have received an offer prior their graduation, half of them mentioned that they are not happy or satisfied during their work.
Therefore
, parents' selection may bring a better future for their
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "offspring", the plural form of the noun 'offspring'?
offsprings
,
however
, they will
eventually
Possible spelling mistake. 'realise' is British English.
realise
that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
may not be enjoyable.

On the other hand
, in my opinion, children should be able to choose their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
profession
.
Firstly
, it can
significantly
increase their mental well-being. In 2015, researchers found that pupils who follow their passion as an occupation have less depression and more motivation to do their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
.
Additionally
, passionate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
promotion quicker than their peers, which
also
equivalent to higher salaries. This is
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "because".
because of the fact that
they are able to work harder and offer more hours during their working period.
Hence
,
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "offspring", the plural form of the noun 'offspring'?
offsprings
should be able to select their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
profession
in order to decrease their depression and increase their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
promotion.

In conclusion
, although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that selecting the career for their children may bring better income, based on the essay above it will
instead
deteriorate their mental health. In my opinion, the younger generation should have the right to choose their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
profession
, since this will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
them to have a better health and career in the future.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Both the poor and the rich find the accessibility into university difficult. v. 11

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
311 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
Similar posts


Recent posts