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Both The Poor And The Rich Find Accessibility Into University Difficult. Do you agree or disagree. v.2

Both The Poor And The Rich Find Accessibility Into University Difficult. v. 2
Few years back getting admission in university was very different for an average graduate, who ever was merit in their past studies they are the one's easily get admission. The Current education system was corrupted in my recent observations. I am going to provide examples for two different situations of the present education world. One of my friends had best score and she applied in one of the best university in her city. But, due to celebrity profile her request was denied. So in the above example, it was clear getting into desired institution was hard. Luckily, soon after that she had another trail and she got it. Here I want to give another example, who was rich and he is one of my friends. He scored average and tried to get the seat in top university with the help of his father's influence. His trail was in vain as they have not accepted as the student is not reaching the few terms and conditions. By observing the above examples I want to conclude there are two different scenarios existed. It's pretty much clear for both the poor and the rich getting into the best institute is challenging. There are multiple colleges came into the society and everyone has their own values, mission and vision. When I was a student the process was totally different and was very transparent when compared to present. Concluding it's clear for both the parties there was a high time. I felt pity on few organizations which were running without moral values. Ethics should be followed to achieve goal and stand as a role model for future generations. Which perhaps helps in getting fame.
Few years back getting admission in university was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
for an average graduate, who ever was merit in their past studies they are the one's
easily
Consider using a past participle here: "got", "gotten".
get
admission. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Current
education system
was corrupted
in my recent observations. I am going to provide
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
examples
for two
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
situations of the present education world.

One of my friends had best
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
score and
she applied in one of the best university in her city.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
, due to celebrity profile her request
was denied
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
in the above
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
example
, it was
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
getting into desired institution was
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
. Luckily,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
after that she had another
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
trail and
she
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
it.

Here I want to give another
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
example
, who was
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
rich and
he is one of my friends. He scored average and tried to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the seat in top university with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
of his father's influence. His trail was in vain as they have not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
as the student is not reaching the few terms and conditions.

By observing the above
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
examples
I want
to conclude
there are two
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
scenarios existed. It's pretty much
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
for both the poor and the rich getting into the best institute is challenging. There are multiple colleges came into the society and everyone has their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
values, mission and vision.

When I was a student the process was
totally
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
and was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
transparent when compared to present.

Concluding
Did you mean "its" (possessive pronoun) instead of 'it's' (short form of 'it is')?
it's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
for both the parties there was a high time. I felt pity on few organizations which were running without moral values. Ethics should
be followed
to achieve goal and stand as a role model for future generations.
“Which” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Which
perhaps
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
in getting fame.
2Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay Both The Poor And The Rich Find Accessibility Into University Difficult. v. 2

Essay
  American English
6 paragraphs
279 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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