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Both the poor and rich find the accessibility into university difficult. Do you agree or disagree v.4

Both the poor and rich find the accessibility into university difficult. v. 4
It is true that enrolling in the universities is a very difficult task nowadays for all the applicants regardless their financial statuses. Therefore, the costs for studies are very high, there is always an opportunity to find some financing. In my opinion the merit is valued more than the money for the admissions committees of the universities when making their decision about a candidate. Firstly, all the universities tend to raise their admission standards year by year. Additionally, the overall requirements of every university are not only confined to the academic achievements, but also include sport's achievements as well as an extra-curricular activities. The financial wealth of an applicant has no influence on the committees' decisions, while the academic merits have the decisive role in admission. For instance, the Academic Survey of Boston revealed that out of all the applicants those ones who were in financial need comprised almost 80% of all the applicants admitted. Secondly, it is quite true that among the accepted applicants, the young people who have a financial support from their parents or else, have more room to choose from the universities who offered them enrolment. Although the acceptance to the universities does depend on a financial backing, an availability of the latter gives a candidate an easier choice after the acceptance. However, even though someone does not have the resources to pay for the studies, there is still a huge number of different scholarships based on the academic and other merits. For example, the top universities in the USA offer the full-ride packages for all the students accepted, in order to give equal chance to every student with or without money. In conclusion, with the rising academic competitiveness, enrolment in universities became really hard task for all the applicants be they rich or poor. As a result, due to the grandiose number of stipends around the world, the acceptance to the universities became easier for all the young people.
It is true that enrolling in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
difficult task nowadays for all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
applicants
regardless their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
statuses.
Therefore
, the costs for studies are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
high, there is always an opportunity to find
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
financing. In my opinion the merit
is valued
more than the money for the admissions committees of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
when making their decision about a candidate.

Firstly
, all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
tend to raise their admission standards year by year.
Additionally
, the
overall
requirements of every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
are not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
confined to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
achievements,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
include sport's achievements
as well
as an extra-curricular
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "activity"?
activities
. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
wealth of an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
applicant
has no influence on the committees' decisions, while the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
merits have the decisive role in admission.
For instance
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Academic
Survey of Boston revealed that out of all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
applicants
This phrase is probably grammatically incorrect. Write "those" instead.
those ones
who were in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
need comprised almost 80% of all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
applicants
admitted.

Secondly
, it is quite true that among the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
applicants
, the young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who have a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
support from their parents or else, have more room to choose from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
who offered them
Possible spelling mistake. 'enrolment' is British English.
enrolment
. Although the acceptance to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
does depend on a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
backing, an availability of the latter gives a candidate an easier choice after the acceptance.
However
,
even though
someone does not have the resources to pay for the studies, there is
still
a huge number of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
scholarships based on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
and other merits.
For example
, the top
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
in the USA offer the full-ride packages for all the students
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
, in order to give equal chance to every student with or without money.

In conclusion
, with the rising
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
competitiveness,
Possible spelling mistake. 'enrolment' is British English.
enrolment
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
became
really
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
task for all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
applicants
be they rich or poor.
As a result
, due to the grandiose number of stipends around the world, the acceptance to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
became easier for all the young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
9Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
9Mistakes
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IELTS essay Both the poor and rich find the accessibility into university difficult. v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
324 words
9
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 9.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 9.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 9.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 9.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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