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Both poor and rich find accessibility into university difficult. Do you agree or disagree? v.2

Both poor and rich find accessibility into university difficult. v. 2
It is believed that university admissions have become increasingly difficult for every economic section of society- be it rich or poor. In my opinion, while poor people face excessive difficulties in pursuing higher studies due to their financial constraints, rich genre can manage the hefty fees and can study in an university. To begin with, one of the major problems, economically weaker sections of society face in their admission procedures, is exorbitant fees which is unaffordable for them. Apart from fees, there are certain course requirement like laptops, academic books, educational tours and many others which also demand money. It was revealed by a leading magazine that only 15 percent of total university’s pupil strength comprises of financially weaker students because of their inability to manage high fees structure and cost of living in the campus. However, people who are well off in terms of money can easily afford fees and other general requirements. Moreover, such people always had an upper hand in gaining access to university education even if they are not talented enough. In other words, they can eye on management seats by paying donations to college funds if they fail to score minimum entrance criteria. There was a survey conducted 2 years back by a renowned newspaper which clearly showcased that heirs of most of the wealthy people were studying in topnotch universities and 80 percent of them were major contributors towards development of college infrastructure. In conclusion, I opine that poor people face tremendous problems in gaining access to higher education owing to their financial troubles whereas wealthier ones have an edge over them in terms of opportunities. I wish universities should focus on diminishing this disparity by providing support to the deserving ones.
It
is believed
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
admissions have become
increasingly
difficult for every economic section of society- be it rich or poor. In my opinion, while poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
face excessive difficulties in pursuing higher studies due to their financial constraints, rich genre can manage the hefty
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fees
and can study in
Use "a" instead of 'an' if the following word doesn't start with a vowel sound, e.g. 'a sentence', 'a university'
an
university.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, one of the major problems,
economically
weaker sections of society face in their admission procedures, is exorbitant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fees
which is unaffordable for them. Apart from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fees
, there are certain course
Possible agreement error. Did you mean "requirements"?
requirement
like laptops, academic books, educational tours and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
others which
also
demand money. It
was revealed
by a leading magazine that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
15 percent of total
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university’s
pupil strength
Did you mean "comprises" or "consists of"?
comprises of
financially
weaker students
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their inability to manage high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fees
structure and cost of living in the campus.

However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who are well off in terms of money can
easily
afford
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fees
and other general requirements.
Moreover
, such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
always had an upper hand in gaining access to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
education even if they are not talented
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
.
In other words
, they can eye on management seats by paying donations to college funds if they fail to score minimum entrance criteria. There was a survey conducted 2 years back by a renowned newspaper which
clearly
showcased that heirs of most of the wealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
were studying in topnotch
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
and 80 percent of them were major contributors towards development of college infrastructure.

In conclusion
, I opine that poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
face tremendous problems in gaining access to higher education owing to their financial troubles whereas wealthier
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
have an edge over them in terms of opportunities. I wish
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
should focus on diminishing this disparity by providing support to the deserving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
17Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
A new language is a new life.
Persian Proverb

IELTS essay Both poor and rich find accessibility into university difficult. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
288 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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