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Big salary is much more important than job satisfaction. Do you agree or disagree? Provide relevant examples if necessary. v.8

Big salary is much more important than job satisfaction. Provide relevant examples if necessary. v. 8
The amount on the pay cheque is always a priority factor for most of the salaried persons around the globe. It is argued that a handsome amount of salaries are essential instead of job fulfillment. I partially agree with this approach since the importance of money cannot be neglected yet job satisfaction holds its significance as well. I shall elaborate my point of view with valid arguments and examples in the following paragraphs. To begin with, earning money is a core objective for any salaried person to meet the basic needs of life. People are reluctant to do voluntary work without any reward associated with it. For instance, people working in a packaging factory are only concentrated to receive the money at the end of their work despite the fact that their work is not adding any significant value to the product itself. They find the job hectic and monotonous, yet they are willing to do owing to the monetary benefits attached to it. Thus, monetary compensations take priority over job satisfaction. In contrast, the importance of job satisfaction cannot be overlooked. Many employees inclined to add value in their work through innovative ideas and utilizing their skillsets. It gives a sense of accomplishment that cannot be achieved through money. Not to forget that job satisfaction is directly proportional to the monetary benefits that come automatically with succession at the workplace. For example, the founder of the Apple, Steve Jobs could have kept working as a regular employee but it was his urge to achieve something bigger that led him to invent apple phones. In conclusion, I reiterate that money would always be a priority for many, but for some, job fulfillment would be a prime factor. Both factors hold a certain level of significant.
The amount on the pay
Possible spelling mistake. 'cheque' is British English.
cheque
is always a priority factor for most of the salaried persons around the globe. It
is argued
that a handsome amount of salaries
Possible agreement error. Did you mean "is"? (Some collective nouns can be treated as both singular and plural, so 'are' is not always incorrect.)
are
essential
instead
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
fulfillment. I
partially
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this approach since the importance of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
cannot
be neglected
yet
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
satisfaction holds its significance
as well
. I shall elaborate my point of view with valid arguments and examples in the following paragraphs.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, earning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is a core objective for any salaried person to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
the basic needs of life.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
are reluctant to do voluntary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
without any reward associated with it.
For instance
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
working in a packaging factory are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
concentrated to receive the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
at the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
despite the fact that their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
is not adding any significant value to the product itself. They find the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
hectic and monotonous,
yet
they are willing to
The usual collocation for an activity ending in "-ing" is "go" not "do" or "play." Revise: "go owing".
do owing
to the monetary benefits attached to it.
Thus
, monetary compensations take priority over
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
satisfaction.

In contrast
, the importance of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
satisfaction cannot
be overlooked
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
employees inclined to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
add
value in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
through innovative
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
and utilizing their
Possible spelling mistake found.
skillsets
. It gives a sense of accomplishment that cannot
be achieved
through
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. Not to forget that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
satisfaction is
directly
proportional to the monetary benefits that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
automatically
with succession at the workplace.
For example
, the founder of the Apple, Steve
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Jobs
could have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
kept
working as a regular employee
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it was his urge to achieve something bigger that led him to invent apple phones.

In conclusion
, I reiterate that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
would always be a priority for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
fulfillment would be a prime factor. Both factors hold a certain level of significant.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
17Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
Language is the road map of a culture. It tells you where its people come from and where they are going.
Rita Mae Brown

IELTS essay Big salary is much more important than job satisfaction. Provide relevant examples if necessary. v. 8

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
295 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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