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Big salary is much more important than job satisfaction. Do you agree or disagree? v.2

Big salary is much more important than job satisfaction. v. 2
Salary or a job satisfaction, it has been a question from decades to answer, many individuals believe that high wages are more vital than work satisfaction. In my opinion, I completely disagree that money is more valuable than gratification in work. Firstly, mental stability is essential while working at any place. It allows the person to make decision in a correct manner and boost their confidence level, which helps them to achieve their targets and at the end with positive outputs, makes him happier. Emotional balance is vital to keep the momentum while working an organization, which makes the person mentally strong while taking such decisions. For instance, studies on different profession in Australia shows the decision factors plays a crucial role in the employment while working and satisfy the needs of most employees. Secondly, Career goals are achieved through job satisfaction. Person working in his interested job can apply his full efforts to achieve the targets, which values his career to new level, therefore makes it more important than high income jobs. For example, many scientists prefer to work in their field for lifetime instead of taking high wages, there passion to their work makes them satisfied throughout their life. In conclusion, although, salaries are required to fulfil the daily needs for an employee, but the job satisfactions play a vital role in the career. Hence, I believe that workers should choose roles and responsibilities rather than wealth in their job. And I feel that organizations should make work culture friendlier as compare to offering high wages.
Salary or a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
satisfaction
, it has been a question from decades to answer,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
individuals believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
wages are more vital than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
satisfaction
. In my opinion, I completely disagree that money is more valuable than gratification in work.

Firstly
, mental stability is essential while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
at any place. It
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
the person to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
decision
Consider replacing "in a correct manner" with the adverb for "correct"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in a correct manner
and boost their confidence level, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them to achieve their targets and at the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
outputs,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
makes
him happier. Emotional balance is vital to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
the momentum while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
an organization, which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
makes
the person mentally strong while taking such decisions.
For instance
, studies on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
profession in Australia
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
the decision factors plays a crucial role in the employment while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
and satisfy the needs of most employees.

Secondly
, Career goals
are achieved
through
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
satisfaction
. Person
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
in his interested
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
can apply his full efforts to achieve the targets, which values his career to new level,
therefore
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
makes
it more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
income
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
scientists prefer to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
in their field for lifetime
instead
of taking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
wages, there passion to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
makes
them satisfied throughout their life.

In conclusion
, although, salaries
are required
to fulfil the daily needs for an employee,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
satisfactions
play a vital role in the career.
Hence
, I believe that workers should choose roles and responsibilities
rather
than wealth in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
. And I feel that organizations should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
culture friendlier
Comparison requires "than", not 'then' nor 'as'.
as
compare to offering
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
wages.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
28Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
Learning is a treasure that will follow its owner everywhere.
Chinese Proverb

IELTS essay Big salary is much more important than job satisfaction. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
258 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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