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Because of the negative effects on health of an inactive lifestyle, all university students and school children should be forced to do sports activities at least 3 times per week. Do you agree? v.3

Because of the negative effects on health of an inactive lifestyle, all university students and school children should be forced to do sports activities at least 3 times per week. Do you agree? v. 3
In a contemporary era, most of the students have a sedentary lifestyle, which can lead to disastrous effects on their health. In this essay, the reasons to encourage students in sports and healthy activities will be discussed Firstly, Students or children who are more involved in sports activities have a healthy heart and muscular system. For example, students who participate in running competitions, have to work out regularly for at least 2 hours per day to maintain their stamina. This practice makes their muscle very strong. Also, running for half an hour daily may decrease the chances of heart failure. Another reason to encourage outdoor activities is sunlight. Sunlight is essential to maintain vitamin D levels in our body so, students involved in playing football and cricket in the ground, have strong bones as compared to those students who play football on their iPad. Furthermore, sedentary behaviour may lead to obesity. For instance, a person who eats healthy food, but store calories while watching a television for the whole day can become obese. Obesity for a long period of time can lead to several complications, including: heart failure, diabetes, retinopathy, liver disease etc. Moreover, The objective to encourage sports among students is to reduce anxiety and depression. For example, students who are studying finance and marketing have more stress to compete with their colleagues and ranked first to get appreciation. In this regards, outdoor games are the best remedy to reduce depression and anxiety among students who have a sedentary behaviour. In conclusion, there are certain disastrous effects of sedentary behaviour in university students and children which should be reduced by implementing strategies for students to participate in outdoor activities.
In a contemporary era, most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
have a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sedentary
lifestyle, which can lead to disastrous effects on their health. In this essay, the reasons to encourage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
in sports and healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
will be
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
discussed


Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Students
or children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are more involved in sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
have a healthy heart and muscular system.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
participate in running competitions,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
work out
regularly
for at least 2 hours per day to maintain their stamina. This practice
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
their muscle
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
strong.
Also
, running for half an hour daily may decrease the chances of heart failure.

Another reason to encourage outdoor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
is sunlight. Sunlight is essential to maintain vitamin D levels in our body
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
involved in playing football and cricket in the ground, have strong bones as compared to those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
play football on their iPad.

Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sedentary
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
may lead to obesity.
For instance
, a person
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
eats healthy food,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
store calories while watching a television for the whole day can become obese. Obesity for a long period of time can lead to several complications, including: heart failure, diabetes, retinopathy, liver disease etc.

Moreover
, The objective to encourage sports among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
is to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
anxiety and depression.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are studying finance and marketing have more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
to compete with their colleagues and ranked
first
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
appreciation. In
Did you mean "these"?
this
regards, outdoor games are the best remedy to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
depression and anxiety among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
have a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sedentary
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
.

In conclusion
, there are certain disastrous effects of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sedentary
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
in university
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
and children which should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
by implementing strategies for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to participate in outdoor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
25Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay Because of the negative effects on health of an inactive lifestyle, all university students and school children should be forced to do sports activities at least 3 times per week. Do you agree? v. 3

Essay
  American English
6 paragraphs
280 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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