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Australia urges Indonesia not to execute drug smugglers on death row. v.2

Australia urges Indonesia not to execute drug smugglers on death row. v. 2
Indonesia intends to execute some drug smugglers on capital punishment but Australia wants it to be cancelled. In my opinion, since Indonesia is an independent country and the capital punishment is supported by Indonesian law, it should be done without any hesitations despite the objection of another country. My primary consideration for Indonesia to reject Australia’s demand is that Indonesia is a well independent country that should not base its actions on any other country’s opinion whether they are friendly countries or not. All the activities of Indonesian Government must be done in the name of freedom and goodness of its citizens, for example, if execute the drug smuggler on the death sentence is considered beneficial for the Indonesian people, then it should be performed without any reluctances. The second reason I want to state is that the capital punishment is supported by Indonesian law. So the execution of narcotic carriers in Indonesia is a legal action, and the cancellation of it can be perceived as broken the law. As an old wisdom says; “everything has its price”, the smugglers already knew that taking narcotics into Indonesia is illegal and they can be sentenced to death because of it, but they still did it which means that they are ready to pay it with their lives. In conclusion, I would like to emphasise that execute narcotic smugglers on death row is really Indonesia’s right and supported by Indonesian law, so Australia or any other country of the world has nothing to with it.
Indonesia intends to execute
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
drug
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smugglers
on capital punishment
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
Australia wants it to
be cancelled
. In my opinion, since Indonesia is an independent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
and the capital punishment
is supported
by Indonesian
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
law
, it should
be done
without any hesitations despite the objection of another country.

My primary consideration for Indonesia to reject Australia’s demand is that Indonesia is a well independent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
that should not base its actions on any other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country’s
opinion whether they are friendly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
or not. All the activities of Indonesian
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Government
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be done
in the name of freedom and goodness of its citizens,
for example
, if execute the drug
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smuggler
on the death sentence
is considered
beneficial for the Indonesian
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, then it should
be performed
without any
Possible spelling mistake found.
reluctances
.

The second reason I want to state is that the capital punishment
is supported
by Indonesian
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
law
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
the execution of narcotic carriers in Indonesia is a legal action, and the cancellation of it can
be perceived
as broken the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
law
. As an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
wisdom says; “everything has its price”, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smugglers
already knew that taking narcotics into Indonesia is
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
illegal and
they can
be sentenced
to death
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of it,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they
still
did it which means that they are ready to pay it with their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.

In conclusion
, I would like to
Possible spelling mistake. 'emphasise' is British English.
emphasise
that execute narcotic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smugglers
on death row is
really
Indonesia’s right and supported by Indonesian
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
law
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
Australia or any other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
of the world has nothing to with it.
3Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
13Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay Australia urges Indonesia not to execute drug smugglers on death row. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
253 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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