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Attending a live performance (for example, a play, concert, or sporting event) is more enjoyable than watching the same event on television. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.3

Attending a live performance (for example, a play, concert, or sporting event) is more enjoyable than watching the same event on television. v. 3
It is believed that taking part in a live performance like a drama, music concert or some sport events is more satisfying than staying at home and watching the same show on television. In my point of view, I partly agree with this issue. On the one hand, it would be more interesting when participating in a live concert. To begin with, the atmosphere in the stadium is really crowded and lively with a significant amount of shouting and singing from numerous of energetic people. In this atmosphere, everyone would feel relaxed after a hectic studying or working hour and more exciting due to there are a lot of people that have the same interest in live music. For example, the football match, Vietnamese people buy tickets to watch the live match a lot because they want to see their favourite football players in the real life which not on the television, so the audiences can also show their excitement and satisfied about the match. On the other hand, live performance does not have any convenient and condition that the television does. Initially, the audiences at the stadium are not able to watch the replay goals on the TV. Watching the replay will show viewers the situation that the professional footballer gains the point. Moreover, staying at home to watch is more convenient during the hot day and also cold day. For instance, in the hot day, the stadium will be an uncomfortable and crowded place for live performance so that if there is no air-conditional, the audiences will feel extremely tired due to sweat. To sum up, although the viewers would feel more and more exciting when they participate in live performances, in some situations such as temperature staying at home and watch those events would be a good choice.
It
is believed
that taking part in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
performance
like a drama, music concert or
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
sport
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
is more satisfying than staying at home and watching the same
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
on television. In my point of view, I partly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this issue.

On the one hand, it would be more interesting when participating in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
concert. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the atmosphere in the stadium is
The extreme adjective for crowded is "packed".
really crowded
and lively with a significant amount of shouting and singing from numerous of energetic
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
. In this atmosphere, everyone would feel relaxed after a hectic studying or working hour and more exciting due to there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
that have the same interest in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
music.
For example
, the football match, Vietnamese
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
tickets to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
watch
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
match a lot
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they want to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
their
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourite' is British English.
favourite
football players in the real life which not on the television,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
the audiences can
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
their excitement and satisfied about the match.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
performance
does not have any convenient and condition that the television does.
Initially
, the audiences at the stadium are not able to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
watch
the replay goals on the TV. Watching the replay will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
viewers the situation that the professional footballer gains the point.
Moreover
, staying at home to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
watch
is more convenient during the hot day and
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cold
day.
For instance
, in the hot day, the stadium will be an uncomfortable and crowded place for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
performance
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that if there is no air-conditional, the audiences will feel
The extreme adjective for tired is "exhausted".
extremely tired
due to sweat.

To sum up, although the viewers would feel more and more exciting when they participate in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
performances
, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
situations such as temperature staying at home and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
watch
those
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
would be a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
choice.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Attending a live performance (for example, a play, concert, or sporting event) is more enjoyable than watching the same event on television. v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
301 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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