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Attending a live performance (for example, a play, concert, or sporting event) is more enjoyable than watching the same event on television. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

Attending a live performance (for example, a play, concert, or sporting event) is more enjoyable than watching the same event on television. v. 1
Due to the advancement of technology as well as the huge demand for different sorts of entertainment, there is such a wide range of shows and programs offered through mass media. As a couch potato, rather than attending a live performance, staying at home and binge-watching it on TV is my go-to option since it is not only convenient but also economical. In these days and ages, especially during coronavirus outbreak, these ideas make sense than ever, along with simplify decision making. In the 4. 0 era, there is no need for audiences to travel such a long distance to see events in their presence. People are able to watch them from the beginning till the end in the conveniences of their own house. It’s advantageous that they don’t encounter any problems such as traffic congestion, being late or being infected while COVID19 is wide-spreading. Therefore, they could have light mood to enjoy it fully without worries. Besides, there is no limitation at all, comparing to live ones which have some particular rules to obey. For instance, during a play, under no circumstances could people get a drink or do the other stuffs. In contrast, audiences have freedom to do whatever they want while watching it through TV screen from home. On top of that, it’s undeniable that a live performance costs an arm and leg and seeing the broadcasted one is such a good way to save money. Despite the fact that people would sooner observe their idol in real life, it will be irritating moment if the performance falls short of their expectation due to many aspects such as position, quality. Meanwhile, just with 64 inch screen, staying at home, they could feel the atmosphere, the vibe and watch it with the best points of view free of charge. To sum up, it is evident that observing broadcasted shows is obviously superior to attending the live one because of its convenience and the less money consumption. I do hope there will be more entertaining shows and performances for everyone to see while there are not so much things to do but watching TV and quarantine.
Due to the advancement of technology
as well
as the huge demand for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
sorts of entertainment, there is such a wide range of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
and programs offered through mass media. As a couch potato,
rather
than attending a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
performance
, staying at home and binge-watching it on TV is my go-to option since it is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
convenient
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
economical. In these days and ages,
especially
during coronavirus outbreak, these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
sense than ever, along with simplify
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
decision making
.

In the 4. 0
Possible agreement error. The noun 'era' seems to be countable, so consider using: "eras".
era
, there is no need for audiences to travel such a long distance to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
in their presence.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
are able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
them from the beginning till the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
in the conveniences of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
. It’s advantageous that they don’t encounter any problems such as traffic congestion, being late or
being infected
while
Did you mean "COVID-19" or the alternative spelling "Covid-19" (= coronavirus)?
COVID19
is wide-spreading.
Therefore
, they could have light mood to enjoy it
fully
without worries.
Besides
, there is no limitation at all, comparing to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
ones which have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
particular
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
to obey.
For instance
, during a play, under no circumstances could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a drink or do the other stuffs.
In contrast
, audiences have freedom to do whatever they want while watching it through TV screen from home.

On top of that
, it’s undeniable that a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
performance
costs an arm and leg and seeing the broadcasted one is such a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
way to save money. Despite the fact that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
would sooner observe their idol in real life, it will be irritating moment if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
performance
falls short of their expectation due to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
aspects such as position, quality. Meanwhile,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
with
It appears that a hyphen is missing.
64 inch
Possible agreement error. The noun 'screen' seems to be countable, so consider using: "screens".
screen
, staying at home, they could feel the atmosphere, the vibe and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
it with the best points of view free of charge.

To sum up, it is evident that observing broadcasted
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
is
obviously
superior to attending the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
one
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of its convenience and the less money consumption. I do hope there will be more entertaining
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
performances
for everyone to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
while there are not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
Use "many" with countable nouns.
much
things to do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
watching TV and quarantine.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay Attending a live performance (for example, a play, concert, or sporting event) is more enjoyable than watching the same event on television. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
357 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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