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At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do you think that the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages? v.36

At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do you think that the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages? v. 36
In current times, we can observe a growing number of youthful adults in some countries, In comparison to the elderly folks. I am of the opinion that the benefits of younger population will definitely overweigh the disadvantages. I will further elaborate on this in the following essay. Firstly, All the countries of the world have certain ratio's of the young verses the old, However, a few large countries such as China has a huge gap of youth and seniors. They have a tremendous number of young adults in their country. As a result, their economy is progressing rapidly. Their young working class is not only benefiting their homeland, but also providing the basic need for their elderly. All the hard work that drives the country's progress, can only be expected from the youth. Older people cannot deliver the same as work stamina as younger people can. On the other hand, Growing population of young men and women compared to the old, comes with its own disadvantages. It goes without saying that we learn a lot from our senior members of the society. We inherit our behaviour, culture and basic norms of life from them. Needless to say, If a country has less of the elderly individuals, their generations will be deprived of all the rich culture and traditions that have been passed down from their forefathers. For example, 80% of Thiland's population is comprised of youthful adults and they have forgotten their culture due to the fact that there are very few older people to teach them. To conclude, The advantages of having more young adults are more as compared to the disadvantages. It is the young people who are the backbone of a prosperous country.
In
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
times, we can observe a growing number of youthful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
,
In comparison
to the elderly folks. I am of the opinion that the benefits of younger population will definitely
Possible spelling mistake found.
overweigh
the disadvantages. I will
further
elaborate on this in the following essay.

Firstly
, All the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
of the world have certain ratio's of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
verses the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
,
However
, a few large
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
such as China has a huge gap of youth and seniors. They have a tremendous number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
.
As a result
, their economy is progressing
rapidly
. Their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
working
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
benefiting their homeland,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
providing the basic need for their elderly. All the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
work that drives the country's progress, can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expected
from the youth. Older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
cannot deliver the same as work stamina as younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can.

On the other hand
, Growing population of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
and women compared to the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
with its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
disadvantages. It goes without saying that we learn a lot from our senior members of the society. We inherit our
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
, culture and basic norms of life from them. Needless to say, If a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
has less of the elderly individuals, their generations will
be deprived
of all the rich culture and traditions that have
been passed
down from their forefathers.
For example
, 80% of
Possible spelling mistake found.
Thiland
's population
Did you mean "comprises" or "consists of" or "is composed of"?
is comprised of
youthful
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
adults and
they have forgotten their culture due to the fact that there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
few older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to teach them.

To conclude
, The advantages of having more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
are more
Comparison requires "than", not 'then' nor 'as'.
as
compared to the disadvantages. It is the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who are the backbone of a prosperous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes
One should not aim at being possible to understand but at being impossible to misunderstand.
Marcus Fabius Quintilian

IELTS essay At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do you think that the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages? v. 36

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
286 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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