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At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages? v.24

At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages? v. 24
If people do not engage with the development of their countries, someone will not do it. Thus, young individuals are the main resource to conduct the present and the future of any society. In the same way, ancient ones have the responsibility to impart all their experience, therefore, from my point of view, it is supremely important to find a balance between both sides: new ideas and experience. As a citizen of developing country, I have been witness from the last two decades of the meaningful importance of new ideas in the main affairs like politics, economy and education to indicate something. Likewise, it is common to see older individuals with the same frame of mind of 20 years ago, so it is necessary to understand that the world is changing quickly. As an illustration, young climate activist as Greta are completely involved in climate matters and its aftermaths for the future of the globe, while ancient lowers, even presidents as a Donald Trump, do not care about the consumption of fossil fuels and its impact in our daily lives. It looks like they are only concerned about their wallets. On the other hand, it is impossible to leave the control of important matters to young people with background lack. To struggle with this, it is mandatory to find the best ways to educate our young people. Thus, experienced individuals are the best teachers. For example, the United States, being the first economy globally, last year invested more than 5 percent of its GDP in educational affairs. Which means a significant investment in whole educational system, as a result not only young students got proper instruction, but also older adults receipted new strategies to educate. This phenomenon appears in another mighty economies like China. As a conclusion, from my point of view young ones are playing the most important role in our society, but they have to be properly educated by older ones with advanced know-how. Thus, the real advantage for any society is trying to look for the exact balance between young and adults. New ideas and experience.
If
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
do not engage with the development of their countries, someone will not do it.
Thus
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
individuals are the main resource to conduct the present and the future of any society.
In the same way
, ancient ones have the responsibility to impart all their experience,
therefore
, from my point of view, it is
supremely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to find a balance between both sides:
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
and experience.

As a citizen of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developing country
, I have been witness from the last two decades of the meaningful importance of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
in the main affairs like politics, economy and education to indicate something.
Likewise
, it is common to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
older individuals with the same frame of mind of 20 years ago,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
it is necessary to understand that the world is changing
quickly
. As an illustration,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
climate activist as Greta are completely involved in climate matters and its aftermaths for the future of the globe, while ancient lowers, even presidents as a Donald Trump, do not care about the consumption of fossil fuels and its impact in our daily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. It looks like they are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
concerned about their wallets.

On the other hand
, it is impossible to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
the control of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
matters to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
with background lack. To struggle with this, it is mandatory to find the best ways to educate our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
Thus
, experienced individuals are the best teachers.
For example
, the United States, being the
first
economy globally, last year invested more than 5 percent of its GDP in educational affairs. Which means a significant investment in whole educational system,
as a result
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
students
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
proper instruction,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
older adults receipted
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
strategies to educate. This phenomenon appears in another mighty economies like China.

As a conclusion, from my point of view
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
ones are playing the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in our society,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
be
properly
educated by older ones with advanced know-how.
Thus
, the real advantage for any society is trying to look for the exact balance between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
and adults.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
New
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
and experience.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages? v. 24

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
349 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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