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At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of old people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages? v.18

At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of old people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages? v. 18
Eyes. Everywhere we go, we are looked upon. It's not just limited to people watching us, now that camera systems exist so prominently. We are monitored by camera systems in almost every part of the city, but is it worth losing our privacy for? Individuals like you and me have lost our right to privacy when we walk out of our doorstep. People could be stalking us without us having the faintest idea of it. A system could be hacked, as with any electronic gadget. Even if it wasn't in the hands of a criminal, how much can you trust the person employed to watch the screens? Women and kids could be staring right at, through a screen. Even in the right hands, do the low quality videos actually help us to identify criminals? Clearly, not always. The crime rate would fall drastically. On the other side of the coin, cameras can be used for what they were supposed to be used for. To monitor and observe criminal activity. With the criminal's identity caught, it would accelerate the speed of investigations and help to reduce the number of criminals. The constant electronic eye would help decrease the crime rate by mere existing. Its existence, would scare away some possible criminals. All-in-all, camera systems are like anything debatable in nature, their usefulness is defined by who is using, and how they are doing so. La la la la la la la la la la la la la la. Thank you. Bye
Eyes. Everywhere we go, we
are looked
upon. It's not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
limited to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
watching us,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
camera
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
systems
exist
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
prominently
. We
are monitored
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
camera
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
systems
in almost every part of the city,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
is it worth losing our privacy for?

Individuals like you and me have lost our right to privacy when we walk out of our doorstep.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
could be stalking us without us having the faintest
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
of it. A
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
system
could
be hacked
, as with any electronic gadget. Even if it wasn't in the hands of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminal
, how much can you trust the person employed to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
the screens? Women and kids could be staring right at, through a screen. Even in the right hands, do the low quality videos actually
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
us to identify
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminals
?
Clearly
, not
The adverb 'always' is usually not used at the end of a sentence.
always
. The crime rate would fall
drastically
.

On the other side of the coin,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cameras
can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
for what they
were supposed
to be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
for. To monitor and observe
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminal
activity. With the criminal's identity caught, it would accelerate the speed of investigations and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminals
. The constant electronic eye would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
decrease the crime rate by mere existing. Its existence, would scare away
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
possible criminals.

All-in-all,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
camera
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
systems
are like anything debatable in nature, their usefulness
is defined
by who is using, and how they are doing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
.
This phrase is duplicated. You should probably leave only "La la".
La la la la
This phrase is duplicated. You should probably leave only "la la".
la la la la
This phrase is duplicated. You should probably leave only "la la".
la la la la
la la. Thank you. Bye
1Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
12Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of old people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages? v. 18

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
249 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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