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At the moment, population of some courtiers includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with number of older people. Do advantages overweigh the disadvantages? v.1

At the moment, population of some courtiers includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with number of older people. Do advantages overweigh the disadvantages? v. 1
It is true that people are judged based on their social status and personal wealth nowadays, and traditional values such as integrity and honesty are being forgotten. To a certain extent, I would agree with the fact that people are valued based on their wealth and status these days, but I also believe that old fashioned values still play an important part in our society. It is believed that we are living in the pop culture and the materialistic era these days, as the public judge each individual based on his/her social status and wealth. It can be seen from how celebrities become famous nowadays. Many celebrities have been popular because of their physical appearance and personal wealth such Kim Kardashian. Her reality television program never shows any world class acting quality, but only shows about her luxurious mansions and fancy cars. And then there are other celebrities who are well known due to his/her social status as the son or the daughter of a wealthy family. One of the examples would be Paris Hilton. Although she has many bad attitudes, she is still popular because she inherits the assets of her parents. Although traditional values such as respect others, being responsible, honesty and integrity seem to be forgotten nowadays, but they still play an important part in many communities. In common cases, employers are still assessing their potential employees based their hard working attitude, positive behaviour and their integrity. And then business people are still looking for business partners who are reliable, can be trusted, and dependable. Therefore, it is important for adults to educate their children about these positive values because they still play an essential part in the societies. In conclusion, even though people are judged based on their wealth and social status nowadays, but I do believe that old fashioned values such as honour, respect and trust cannot be eliminated from our daily lives. Therefore we must teach our young generation about these cultures, in order for them to survive and succeed in the future
It is true that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are judged
based on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
status
and personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
wealth
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nowadays
, and traditional values such as integrity and honesty are
being forgotten
. To a certain extent, I would
Consider using "agree that".
agree with the fact that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are valued
based on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
wealth
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
status
these days,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I
also
believe that
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
old fashioned
values
still
play an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
part in our society.

It
is believed
that we are living in the pop culture and the materialistic era these days, as the public judge each individual based on his/her
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
status
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
wealth
. It can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
from how celebrities become
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nowadays
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
celebrities have been popular
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their physical appearance and personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
wealth
such Kim Kardashian. Her reality television program never
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
any world
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
acting quality,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
about her luxurious mansions and fancy cars. And then there are other celebrities who are well known due to his/her
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
status
as the son or the daughter of a wealthy family. One of the examples would be Paris Hilton. Although she has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
attitudes, she is
still
popular
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
she inherits the assets of her parents.

Although traditional values such as respect others, being responsible, honesty and integrity seem to
be forgotten
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nowadays
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they
still
play an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
part in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
communities. In common cases, employers are
still
assessing their potential employees based their
This expression is normally spelled as one or with hyphen.
hard working
attitude,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
and their integrity. And then business
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
still
looking for business partners who are reliable, can
be trusted
, and dependable.
Therefore
, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for adults to educate their children about these
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
values
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
still
play an essential part in the societies.

In conclusion
,
even though
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are judged
based on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
wealth
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
status
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nowadays
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I do believe that
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
old fashioned
values such as
Possible spelling mistake. 'honour' is British English.
honour
, respect and trust cannot
be eliminated
from our daily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
teach our young generation about these cultures, in order for them to survive and succeed in the
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
future
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay At the moment, population of some courtiers includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with number of older people. Do advantages overweigh the disadvantages? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
338 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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