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At the moment, population of some courtiers includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with number of older people. Do advantages overweigh the disadvantages? v.2

At the moment, population of some courtiers includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with number of older people. Do advantages overweigh the disadvantages? v. 2
Currently, some countries have more younger population compared with the number of senior citizens. From my perspective, I think the interests of this phenomenon surpass its drawbacks. There is no doubt that a large number of young people can benefit one society. First of all, this kind of population structure can relieve public welfare pressure. Majority of the young have their own occupations, which means they do not have to live with public benefits. In contrast, plenty of elder people depend on social welfare, increasing financial burden for one society. If this were the case, then governments would impose more tax to refill the financial gap. In addition, they can cover the workforce shortage. Based on a report from Auckland of University, it is the younger employee that many enterprises today prefer to hire. Because many think that they are more effective and creative compared with elder ones. Without such people, work efficiency in one firm will be affected. In spite of these statements given above, there are some demerits for one country if there are more younger adults. To start with, it may cause higher crime rates. It is believed by some that this kind of people today mimic the violence pictures from computer games and TV shows, which may induce them to commit an offence. As a result, the crime rate among the young will rise. Another concern is that the local rent will increase due to house undersupply. Since a lot of the young cannot afford the down payment, which means they have to find apartment to rent. In other words, rental market may suffer from undersupply. Therefore, the local rent is more likely to grow. To conclude, although I cannot fail to admit that more young people in one country may bring about some problems, I would like to embrace the idea that a large amount of young population is an important strength for a nation.
Currently
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries have
Use only "younger" (without 'more') when you use the comparative.
more younger
population compared with the number of senior citizens. From my perspective, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
the interests of this phenomenon surpass its drawbacks.

There is no doubt that
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
a large number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can benefit one society.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, this kind of population structure can relieve public welfare pressure. Majority of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
have their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
occupations, which means they do not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
with public benefits.
In contrast
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of elder
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
depend on social welfare, increasing financial burden for one society. If this were the case, then
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
would impose more tax to refill the financial gap.
In addition
, they can cover the workforce shortage. Based on a report from Auckland of University, it is the younger employee that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
enterprises
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
prefer to hire.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that they are more effective and creative compared with elder ones. Without such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, work efficiency in one firm will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
In spite of
these statements
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
above, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
demerits for one country if there are
Use only "younger" (without 'more') when you use the comparative.
more younger
adults. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
with, it may cause higher crime rates. It
is believed
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
that this kind of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
mimic the violence pictures from computer games and TV
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
, which may induce them to commit an
Possible spelling mistake. 'offence' is British English.
offence
.
As a result
, the crime rate among the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
will rise. Another concern is that the local rent will increase due to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
undersupply
. Since
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
cannot afford the down payment, which means they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
find apartment to rent.
In other words
, rental market may suffer from
undersupply
.
Therefore
, the local rent is more likely to grow.

To conclude
, although I cannot fail to admit that more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in one country may bring about
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
problems, I would like to embrace the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that a large amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
population is an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
strength for a nation.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
11Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay At the moment, population of some courtiers includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with number of older people. Do advantages overweigh the disadvantages? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
320 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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