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As well as making money, businesses should have social responsibilities. Do you agree or disagree. v.1

As well as making money, businesses should have social responsibilities. v. 1
Highly competitive world, companies focus on high profits. Other than earning money, organisations require to accept social commitments as one of their duties. As a responsible citizen, I agree with the statement. In contrast, some believe the sole purpose of a business is purely the profit. This argument is not entirely acceptable, and the private sector needs the society's recondition to survive in the long run. Therefore, they must reward and show their devotion to the community. It is beneficial for both companies and the public. There are many ways of engaging with people, such as Corporate Social Responsibility (CSR) programs. Many corporations prefer this method to serve the people, and on the other hand, it will build a healthy relationship with them. For instance, in my country, there are some regions without sufficient clean water. Many recognised companies launch pure water project in those places. In return, they receive significant recognition and trust. Another aspect is that the development and success of corporations highly determined by their skilled employees. Thus it is essential to arm with a skilful workforce. So to accomplish that it is necessary to uplift public education. They can assist in enhancing education and develop community schools in rural areas. Furthermore, supporting the government to establish advanced industrial and vocational training centres. Business organisations should incorporate these kinds of socially beneficial arrangements in their business strategy. To conclude, private organisations should concentrate on taking part in social accountability other than financial interests. They can take part in that cause, as stated above.
Highly
competitive world,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
focus on high profits. Other than earning money,
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisations' is British English.
organisations
require
Did you mean "accepting"? Or maybe you should add a pronoun? In active voice, 'require' + 'to' takes an object, usually a pronoun.
to accept
social commitments as one of their duties. As a responsible citizen, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the statement.

In contrast
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
believe the sole purpose of a business is
purely
the profit. This argument is not
entirely
acceptable, and the private sector needs the society's recondition to survive in the long run.
Therefore
, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
reward and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
their devotion to the community. It is beneficial for both
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
and the public. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
ways of engaging with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, such as Corporate Social Responsibility (CSR) programs.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
corporations prefer this method to serve the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, and
on the other hand
, it will build a healthy relationship with them.
For instance
, in my country, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
regions without sufficient clean water.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
Possible spelling mistake. 'recognised' is British English.
recognised
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
launch pure water project in those places. In return, they receive significant recognition and trust.

Another aspect is that the development and success of corporations
highly
determined by their skilled employees.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
it is essential to arm with a
Possible spelling mistake. 'skilful' is British English.
skilful
workforce.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
to accomplish that it is necessary to uplift public education. They can assist in enhancing education and develop community schools in rural areas.
Furthermore
, supporting the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
to establish advanced industrial and vocational training
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
. Business
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisations' is British English.
organisations
should incorporate these kinds of
socially
beneficial arrangements in their business strategy.

To conclude
, private
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisations' is British English.
organisations
should concentrate on taking part in social accountability other than financial interests. They can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
in that cause, as stated above.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
0Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay As well as making money, businesses should have social responsibilities. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
256 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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