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As well as making money, businesses also have social responsibilities. Do you agree or disagree? v.9

As well as making money, businesses also have social responsibilities. v. 9
It is argued that being responsible for social activities is also a vital role for enterprises to play besides generating profits. Personally, i totally agree that companies should contribute more responsibility for society rather than simply making money. On the one hand, the efforts of companies to maximize their profits also have some benefits for society. Firstly, the more revenue earned by enterprises, the more taxes paid to the government. As a result, authorities could spend this budget in key fields, including education and health care, which leads to an improvement in the quality of life of the whole community. Secondly, by creating huge profits, companies are able to expand their business and bring more job opportunities for the locals. Multinational corporations such as Apple and Samsung are typical examples. They have their subsidiaries all around the world which helps create new jobs and reduce unemployment rates in many nations. On the other hand, there are strong reasons why businesses should accept that they have social responsibilities. The first reason is that their production activities could affect detrimentally to the environment. Exhaust fume and emissions released from factories or manufacturers are main contributors to the environment degradation such as global warming, ozone depletion. For instance, if enterprises installed appropriate waste treatment systems instead of discharging chemicals directly into lakes or rivers, water pollution could be controlled. Another reason is that their support to local education and health care systems would make society wealthy, which bring them back productive labour force. For examples, Vinamilk, a Vietnam company, annually launches their campaigns to provide scholarships, and build schools or libraries for poor children in rural areas. In conclusion, although making money is the top priority for each company, they also had better cared for social activities.
It
is argued
that being responsible for social activities is
also
a vital role for enterprises to play
besides
generating profits.
Personally
,
Is this the personal pronoun "I"? It is spelled uppercase.
i
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
should contribute more responsibility for society
rather
than
simply
making money.

On the one hand, the efforts of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
to maximize their profits
also
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
benefits for society.
Firstly
, the more revenue earned by enterprises, the more taxes paid to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
.
As a result
, authorities could spend this budget in key fields, including education and health care, which leads to an improvement in the quality of life of the whole community.
Secondly
, by creating huge profits,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
are able to expand their business and bring more job opportunities for the locals. Multinational corporations such as Apple and Samsung are typical examples. They have their subsidiaries all around the world which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
create new jobs and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
unemployment rates in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
nations.

On the other hand
, there are strong reasons why businesses should accept that they have social responsibilities. The
first
reason is that their production activities could affect
detrimentally
to the environment. Exhaust fume and emissions released from factories or manufacturers are main contributors to the environment degradation such as global warming, ozone depletion.
For instance
, if enterprises installed appropriate waste treatment systems
instead
of discharging chemicals
directly
into lakes or rivers, water pollution could
be controlled
. Another reason is that their support to local education and health care systems would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
society wealthy, which bring them back productive
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
force. For examples,
Possible spelling mistake found.
Vinamilk
, a Vietnam
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
,
annually
launches their campaigns to provide scholarships, and build schools or libraries for poor children in rural areas.

In conclusion
, although making money is the top priority for each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
, they
also
had better cared for social activities.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay As well as making money, businesses also have social responsibilities. v. 9

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
294 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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