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As the number of commercials is on the on our TV, many viewers feel annoyed and claim that commercials should be banned. Do you agree with the idea? v.3

As the number of commercials is on the on our TV, many viewers feel annoyed and claim that commercials should be banned. Do you agree with the idea? v. 3
It is sometimes argued that the number of advertisement are rising on television which make audiences feel angry. Although I agree with the opinion that commercials bring many benefit for viewers, advertising also causes disadvantages for many people. On the one hand, advertisements on the TV bring many benefit to the viewers. Firstly, commercials provide information of products which you want to buy. For example, when you want to buy any product but you do not know quality of it, advertising will help you to consider before buying it. Next, the commercials is a form of entertainment, it is an useful way to reduce stress after a busy day. On the other hand, the commercials also causes drawbacks that make many people feel uncomfortable and bother. For example, advertising interrupt the viewers when they are watching their favorite program. This make they annoyed and angry. Besides, it also exaggerates the function of the product is not true and make them confused whenever they try to choose suitable product. Finally, many people use advertisement to defraud viewers and this make people to buy the things and that is a waste of money. To sum up, the commercial can be helpful for the viewers, but it also bring many disadvantages that make many people feel annoyed and uncomfortable by different reasons.
It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
argued that the number of advertisement are rising on television which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
audiences feel angry. Although I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the opinion that commercials bring
Possible agreement error. The noun benefit seems to be countable; consider using: "many benefits".
many benefit
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
viewers
, advertising
also
causes disadvantages for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

On the one hand, advertisements on the TV bring
Possible agreement error. The noun benefit seems to be countable; consider using: "many benefits".
many benefit
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
viewers
.
Firstly
, commercials provide information of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
which you want to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
.
For example
, when you want to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
product
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
you do not know quality of it, advertising will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
you to consider
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
buying it.
Next
, the commercials is a form of entertainment, it is
Use "a" instead of 'an' if the following word doesn't start with a vowel sound, e.g. 'a sentence', 'a university'
an
useful way to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
after a busy day.

On the other hand
, the commercials
also
causes drawbacks that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
feel uncomfortable and bother.
For example
, advertising interrupt the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
viewers
when they are watching their favorite program. This
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
they annoyed and angry.
Besides
, it
also
exaggerates the function of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
product
is not true and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
them confused whenever they try to choose suitable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
product
.
Finally
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
advertisement to defraud
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
viewers
and this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
the things and
that is
a waste of money.

To sum up, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
commercial
can be helpful for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
viewers
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it
also
Did you mean "brings"?
bring
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
disadvantages that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
feel annoyed and uncomfortable by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
reasons.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
20Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
Change your language and you change your thoughts.
Karl Albrecht

IELTS essay As the number of commercials is on the on our TV, many viewers feel annoyed and claim that commercials should be banned. Do you agree with the idea? v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
219 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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