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As the number of commercials is on the on our TV, many viewers feel annoyed and claim that commercials should be banned. Do you agree with the idea? v.1

As the number of commercials is on the on our TV, many viewers feel annoyed and claim that commercials should be banned. Do you agree with the idea? v. 1
Urbanisation owns the criticism for people indulging in hard work due to the skyrocketing amount of the cost of living. One of the significant reasons for putting in a lot of hard work is to have a secure future, while employers could do a lot to inhibit their workers by providing timely bonuses, these factors will be discussed in detail. While the reasons for registering the hard work at a workplace are manifold, our prominent focus is on those employee's who are striving to work hard for a secure future. Having said that, owing to their responsibilities, the workforce has always desired to have a safe future day and be prepared to combat any unforeseen issues, for which they put in some prolonged work hours and try to earn a handsome pay check. For example, speaking of an Indian corporate office, employees at this work place work diligently beyond their calibre to make a decent pay to have a better upcoming day. Having analysed the above reasoning for the workers hard work, employers could do their part by providing appropriate appraisals and bonuses. To explicate this further, companies, when they release the bonuses on time by acknowledging the employee's extended hours, this soothes the financial burden on their work force. For instance, Amazon India in the year 2018, noticed a drastic improvement in the average work hours that was released end of the year, as they released the yearly bonuses on-time. Hence, it is evident from the fact that employers definitely have a cardinal role to play in controlling the overworking. To conclude, having considered the aforementioned reasons of an employees zeal to have a luxurious future, they strive to dedicate extended hours, while employers can restrict this by soothing the economical overhead of their workers by crediting them with bonuses.
Possible spelling mistake. 'Urbanisation' is British English.
Urbanisation
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
owns
the criticism for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
indulging in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
due to the skyrocketing amount of the cost of living. One of the significant reasons for putting in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
is to have a secure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
, while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employers
could do a lot to inhibit their workers by providing timely
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bonuses
, these factors will
be discussed
in detail.

While the reasons for registering the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
at a workplace are manifold, our prominent focus is on
Did you mean "this employee" or "those employees"?
those employee
's who are striving to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hard
for a secure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
. Having said that, owing to their responsibilities, the workforce has always desired to have a safe
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
day and
be prepared
to combat any unforeseen issues, for which they put in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
prolonged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
and try to earn a handsome pay
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
check
.
For example
, speaking of an Indian corporate office, employees at this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
place
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
diligently
beyond their
Possible spelling mistake. 'calibre' is British English.
calibre
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a decent pay to have a better upcoming day.

Having
Possible spelling mistake. 'analysed' is British English.
analysed
the above reasoning for the workers
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employers
could do their part by providing appropriate appraisals and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bonuses
. To explicate this
further
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
, when they release the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bonuses
on time by acknowledging the employee's extended
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
, this soothes the financial burden on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
force.
For instance
, Amazon India in the year 2018, noticed a drastic improvement in the average
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
that
was released
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of the year, as they released the yearly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bonuses
on-time.
Hence
, it is evident from the fact that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employers
definitely have a cardinal role to play in controlling the overworking.

To conclude
, having considered the aforementioned reasons of an
Apostrophe might be missing. Did you mean "employees'" or "employee's"?
employees
zeal to have a luxurious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
, they strive to dedicate extended
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
, while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employers
can restrict this by soothing the economical overhead of their workers by crediting them with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bonuses
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay As the number of commercials is on the on our TV, many viewers feel annoyed and claim that commercials should be banned. Do you agree with the idea? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
301 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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