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As people rely more and more on technology to solve problems, the ability of humans to think for themselves will surely deteriorate. v.1

As people rely more and more on technology to solve problems, the ability of humans to think for themselves will surely deteriorate. v. 1
Technological advancements have not only attributed to many new scientific discoveries but also remarkably impacted medicine and medical science. This century is blessed with comprehensive medical care and the lifespan of people has enhanced through modern medicines and treatments. I believe the result has enlightened the human civilisation and the disadvantages of increasing life expectancy are ignorable. Ultra-modern facilities and advanced medicines have transformed medical facilities and cured many deadly diseases. With improved lifespan, people can contribute more to society. Early retirement plans let them start another profession as they are more active these days. For instance, many professionals these days start their own business after their retirements. This trend welcomes freshers to have jobs and eradicate unemployment. Moreover, as a direct result of improved life-expectancy, people can spend more time with their family and grandchildren. Working parents can leave their children in safe hands while at work. The way grandparents care for their grandchildren is incomparable to the attention they would receive from a daycare centre. From this regard, we need our elder parents to be with us more than ever before. Finally, the way many see the elder generation as a responsibility to society is no longer true. These elder people can share their experience that we can use to build a better and safer world. Older politicians, bankers, writers and researchers have far more to offer than their young counterparts. In conclusion, improved lifespan profoundly benefits the family as well as society. We should feel obliged to treat our ancestors as they did for us when we were children. They are no longer a burden, but an asset for the country.
Technological advancements have not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
attributed to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
new scientific discoveries
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
remarkably
impacted medicine and medical science. This century
is blessed
with comprehensive medical care and the lifespan of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
has enhanced through modern medicines and treatments. I believe the result has enlightened the human
Possible spelling mistake. 'civilisation' is British English.
civilisation
and the disadvantages of increasing life expectancy are ignorable.

Ultra-modern facilities and advanced medicines have transformed medical facilities and cured
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
deadly diseases. With
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
lifespan,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can contribute more to society. Early retirement plans
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
them
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
another profession as they are more active these days.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
professionals these days
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
business after their retirements. This trend welcomes freshers to have jobs and eradicate unemployment.

Moreover
, as a direct result of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
life-expectancy,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can spend more time with their family and grandchildren. Working parents can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
their children in safe hands while at work. The way grandparents care for their grandchildren is incomparable to the attention they would receive from a daycare
Possible spelling mistake. 'centre' is British English.
centre
. From this regard, we need our elder parents to be with us more than ever
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
.
Finally
, the way
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
the elder generation as a responsibility to society is no longer true. These elder
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can share their experience that we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
to build a better and safer world. Older politicians, bankers, writers and researchers have far more to offer than their young counterparts.

In conclusion
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
lifespan
profoundly
benefits the family
as well
as society. We should feel obliged to treat our ancestors as they did for us when we were children. They are no longer a burden,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
an asset for the country.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay As people rely more and more on technology to solve problems, the ability of humans to think for themselves will surely deteriorate. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
274 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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