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As children become adult, their social behavior changes in some way what are the main differences between young children social behavior and adults. To what extent changes that take place good? v.2

As children become adult, their social behavior changes in some way what are the main differences between young children social behavior and adults. v. 2
Most of the people believe that interacting online is preferred than communicating in person with other people. There are many reasons behind this decline in human interactions, which will be discussed in detail with relevant examples. To begin with, new technologies changed the way we feel while interacting with someone else. One clear example, are social networks, which users increased significantly in recent years. Many people find more comfortable interacting with friends not having the need of going out. Also, it is easier to meet new people, which may live far away and create new relationships without travelling. Neither children want to go out to see their friend as they can chat online or play simultaneously with online video game. . Moreover, the constant hurry, we live in, due to our jobs or other duties, reduce our free-time. As a result, people prefer to shop online to waste less time, as the result is the same: buy new goods. From my point of view, new technologies as causing enormous damages to our society and our human behaviours. More people are becoming lazy and is no longer able to interact face-to-face with new people, because they feel less confident and more exposed to reality. In addition, online shopping promotes multinational industry and products, while local markets are being affected by this. To summarize, society should be aware of the many consequences of this behaviour on our economy and social interactions. If we keep being social distancing between each other, the entire system could collapse because no one is paying attention to this.
Most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that interacting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
is preferred
than communicating in person with other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
reasons behind this decline in human interactions, which will
be discussed
in detail with relevant examples.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
technologies
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
the way we feel while interacting with someone else. One
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
example, are social networks, which users increased
significantly
in recent years.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
find more comfortable interacting with friends not having the need of going out.
Also
, it is easier to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, which may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
far away and create
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
relationships without travelling.
'Each', 'every', 'either' and 'neither' are used with singular. Did you mean "all"?
Neither
children want to go out to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
their friend as they can chat
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
or play
simultaneously
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
video game.
Don't put a space before the full stop
.


Moreover
, the constant hurry, we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in, due to our jobs or other duties,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
our free-time.
As a result
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
prefer to shop
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
to waste less time, as the result is the same:
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
.

From my point of view,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
technologies as causing enormous damages to our society and our human
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviours' is British English.
behaviours
. More
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are becoming lazy and is no longer able to interact face-to-face with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they feel less confident and more exposed to reality.
In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
shopping promotes multinational industry and products, while local markets are being
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
by this.

To summarize
, society should be aware of the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
consequences of this
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
on our economy and social interactions. If we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
being social distancing between each other, the entire system could collapse
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
no one is paying attention to this.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay As children become adult, their social behavior changes in some way what are the main differences between young children social behavior and adults. v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
261 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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