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As children become adult, their social behavior changes in some way what are the main differences between young children social behavior and adults. To what extent changes that take place good? v.4

As children become adult, their social behavior changes in some way what are the main differences between young children social behavior and adults. v. 4
Human is a social animal. There are significant changes in children behavior once they start to grow. I believe that this changes have more negative impact on society compared to its positive side. I will discuss it in the following paragraph. Firstly, Children have lost their innocent and become selfish after age of 18. This is because they put their task and needs on top priority without considering others needs which was not the case in their childhood. Today, mostly people help each other to seek a rewards or financial help from the in future. So, this thinking has changed the mind of adults as well. Secondly, some children who are naughty and rebellious in their childhood, usually become calm and co-operative in the mature age. They are not only realize their responsibilities but also get wise understanding. For example one of my friend who was quarrel and uncooperative in school days, have become a very sincere and calm. On the other hand, These changes have few positive and negative impact on society. First of all, lots of innocent create unnecessary nasty competition among each other. They use trick or manipulation with their friends to be on top and considering their task on priority. They believe that it is essential to survive and achieve the success in today' s society. On the positive side, Adults who have calm and co-operative attitude understand society better. They try to resolve important society issues such as poverty and illiterate. In conclusion, children’s behavior change according to recent society’s thoughts. People who are already a dominant member should compel others to improve attitude in order to deliver better message to adults.
Human is a social animal. There are significant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
changes
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
behavior once they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
to grow. I believe that
Did you mean "these"?
this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
changes
have more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
compared to its
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
side. I will discuss it in the following paragraph.

Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
have lost their innocent and become selfish after age of 18. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they put their task and needs on top priority without considering others needs which was not the case in their childhood.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Today
,
mostly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
to seek
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "a reward" or simply "rewards"?
a rewards
or financial
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
from the
Did you mean: "in the future"?
in future
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, this thinking has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
the mind of adults
as well
.
Secondly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are naughty and rebellious in their childhood,
usually
become calm and co-operative in the mature age. They are not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
realize their responsibilities
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
wise understanding.
For example
one of my friend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
was quarrel and uncooperative in school days, have become a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
sincere and calm.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, These
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
changes
have few
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, lots of innocent create unnecessary nasty competition among each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
. They
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
trick or manipulation with their friends to be on top and considering their task on priority. They believe that it is essential to survive and achieve the success in
Possible spelling mistake found.
today&
#039; s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
. On the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
side, Adults
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
have calm and co-operative attitude understand
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
better. They try to resolve
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
issues such as poverty and illiterate.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
behavior
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
change
according to recent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society’s
thoughts.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are already a dominant member should compel others to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
attitude in order to deliver better message to adults.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
21Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay As children become adult, their social behavior changes in some way what are the main differences between young children social behavior and adults. v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
277 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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