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Art is considered an essential part of all cultures throughout the world. However, these days fewer and fewer people appreciate art and turn their focus to science, technology and business. Why do you think that it? What could be done to encourage more people to take interest in the arts? v.3

Art is considered an essential part of all cultures throughout the world. However, these days fewer and fewer people appreciate art and turn their focus to science, technology and business. Why do you think that it? What could be done to encourage more people to take interest in the arts? v. 3
In recent times, experts have found that fewer artists are evolving, compared to 50 years ago. This mainly because no longer this do people earn a huge sum out of it. Therefore, if anyone wants reverse this situation, the government should find remedies for the same. One of the main reasons why many people do not consider art as a profession, this is because they could not earn a sufficient amount of income to manage both their personal and professional requirements. Take pot making as an example, this was a profit making job a long back ago; however, the only a few remaining in this field as they could not meet their both ends. Since there are many latest technologies and advancements which do not find art is no longer significant to human life, eventually, art has been neglected by the present generation. Even though some problems affect this field dramatically, I, personally, believe that by taking certain steps and strategies these can be effectively tackled. One possible method here is, the government has to introduce some new initiatives to overcome difficulties of this industry: train how to incorporate modern technologies in arts to attract more customers towards it, how to make profit out of it, and give expert advice whoever show interest to start their career in arts or art related field. Computer education, for instance, can be provided for artists to enhance their performance and find a better market for their products. Eventually, they would able to enter the global economy by the support of the government. By way of conclusion, it is true that most of artists are encountering serious threats as many opt to join science related jobs over artistic works, but this can be tackled significantly by the authorities proper measures.
In recent times, experts have found that fewer artists are evolving, compared to 50 years ago. This
mainly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
no longer
The verb 'do' is plural. Did you mean: "this does"? Did you use a verb instead of a noun?
this do
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
earn a huge sum out of it.
Therefore
, if anyone wants reverse this situation, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should find remedies for the same.

One of the main reasons why
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
do not consider
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
as a profession, this is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they could not earn a sufficient amount of income to manage both their personal and professional requirements. Take pot making as an example, this was a profit making job a long back ago;
however
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
a few remaining in this field as they could not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
their both ends. Since there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
latest technologies and advancements which do not find
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
is no longer significant to human life,
eventually
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
has
been neglected
by the present generation.

Even though
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
problems affect this field
dramatically
, I,
personally
, believe that by taking certain steps and strategies these can be
effectively
tackled. One possible method here is, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
introduce
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
new initiatives to overcome difficulties of this industry: train how to incorporate modern technologies in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
to attract more customers towards it, how to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
profit out of it, and give expert advice whoever
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
interest to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
their career in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
related field. Computer education,
for instance
, can
be provided
for artists to enhance their performance and find a better market for their products.
Eventually
, they
Did you mean "would be able"?
would able
to enter the global economy by the support of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
.

By way of conclusion, it is true that
After 'most of', you should use 'the' ("most of the artists") or simply say "most artists".
most of artists
are encountering serious threats as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
opt to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
science related jobs over artistic works,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
this can
be tackled
significantly
by the authorities proper measures.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
6Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
Language is the road map of a culture. It tells you where its people come from and where they are going.
Rita Mae Brown

IELTS essay Art is considered an essential part of all cultures throughout the world. However, these days fewer and fewer people appreciate art and turn their focus to science, technology and business. Why do you think that it? What could be done to encourage more people to take interest in the arts? v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
296 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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