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Are famous people treated unfairly by the media? Should they be given more privacy, or is the price of their fame an invastion into their private life? v.4

Are famous people treated unfairly by the media? Should they be given more privacy, or is the price of their fame an invastion into their private life? v. 4
It is evident the nature of media has rapidly evolved over the past few years, reshaping the way media companies do business. However, the fact that celebrities’ privacy is at stake is just one of many inevitable products of fame that have been long acknowledged. First, unlike one single media channel, the pool of media should be considered reasonably fair as many channels are simultaneously participating to offer varying or even contradicting opinions. In fact, the increased availability of media channels has reached the point where information efficiency is achieved. The implication of this is that famous people should be expecting even more fairness treatment now and down the road. Also of importance is the fact that any libel or slander against famous people are done by the media can be easily brought to trial, resulting in significant liabilities for the media. This, thereby, acts as a disincentive for media corporations from failing to meet the industry standards on privacy issue, especially when it involves celebrities. It should be acknowledged that fame and media attention are tied to one another. Celebrities should expect a reasonable level of intrusion upon seclusion and biases from the media since those are recognized products of fame. This suggests that the media and celebrities share the responsibility on privacy issue rather than attributing all the blames to the media. In fact, with an increase in public exposure, the responsibility held by public figures should be set even higher than otherwise. Thus, famous ones should not be infuriated simply because the media is doing its regular job. In conclusion, famous people are treated fairly by the press since it is getting increasingly harder for the media to cross the line nowadays. It is safe to say acknowledging the celebrities’ higher privacy responsibility associated with fame is key to finding the common ground between the media and celebrities on this subject matter.
It is evident the nature of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
has
rapidly
evolved over the past few years, reshaping the way
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
do business.
However
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fact
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities’
privacy is at stake is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
one of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
inevitable products of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fame
that have been long acknowledged.

First
, unlike one single
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
channel, the pool of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
should
be considered
reasonably
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fair
as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
channels are
simultaneously
participating to offer varying or even contradicting opinions. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fact
, the increased availability of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
channels has reached the point where information efficiency
is achieved
. The implication of this is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
should be expecting even more fairness treatment
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
and down the road.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Also
of importance is the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fact
that any libel or slander against
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are done
by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
can be
easily
brought to trial, resulting in significant liabilities for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
. This, thereby, acts as a disincentive for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
corporations from failing to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
the industry standards on privacy issue,
especially
when it involves celebrities.

It should
be acknowledged
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fame
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
attention
are tied
to one another.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Celebrities
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expect
a reasonable level of intrusion upon seclusion and biases from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
since those
are recognized
products of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fame
. This suggests that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
share the responsibility on privacy issue
rather
than attributing all the blames to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fact
, with an increase in public exposure, the responsibility held by public figures should
be set
even higher than
otherwise
.
Thus
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
ones should not
be infuriated
simply
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
is doing its regular job.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are treated
fairly
by the press since it is getting
increasingly
harder for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
to cross the line nowadays. It is safe to say acknowledging the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities’
higher privacy responsibility associated with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fame
is key to finding the common ground between the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
on this
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "subject".
subject matter
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
32Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Are famous people treated unfairly by the media? Should they be given more privacy, or is the price of their fame an invastion into their private life? v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
315 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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