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Although there are more and more women police officers in reality, are they really suitable for this job? v.2

Although there are more and more women police officers in reality, are they really suitable for this job? v. 2
In the today’s era, women are getting more successful than men with their hard work and intelligence in all the fields. Women are multi-talented as they have ability to manage their children, household work and also, their position responsibilities at the same time. So, there is no doubt that a woman can also become a successful law enforcement civil servant. Here, I would like to prove my point with various examples. To begin with, women are physically and mentally strong so they are fully capable to manage the police officer’s responsibility. In any serious situation, if they need to investigate about a critical case, then they would use their mental abilities to firstly understand the reason in the depth. After that, they like to analyse everything and investigate for the clues to make the situation crystal clear. Moreover, they are full of patience level, which is a basic eligibility of the force official business. To make this point clearer, I would like to share one example, a working woman is supposed to do lots of stuff from dusk till dawn like making a breakfast for the family, taking care of the kids, doing job responsibilities and so on. To do all the tasks women have to show lots of patience during the day which make them the perfect candidate for the detective executive task. Secondly, women are equally physically strong to perform police officer responsibilities because God has given to women with special powers to give birth to the child and also, to bear the pain during the delivery. According to science, men cannot bear the delivery pain because it is equal to the pain that happened during breakage of the bones. In the nutshell, women’s passion for the achievement of their goals can make them perfect for the police officer job. As their strong vision for becoming the successful police officer make them more focused for handling difficult situations during the job.
In the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s era,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are getting more successful than
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
with their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
work and intelligence in all the fields.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Women
are multi-talented as they have ability to manage their children, household work and
also
, their position
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
responsibilities
at the same time.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, there is no doubt that a woman can
also
become a successful law enforcement civil servant. Here, I would like to prove my point with various examples.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are
physically
and mentally strong
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they are
fully
capable to manage the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
police
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
officer’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
responsibility
. In any serious situation, if they need to investigate about a critical case, then they would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
their mental abilities to
firstly
understand the reason in the depth. After that, they like to
Possible spelling mistake. 'analyse' is British English.
analyse
everything and investigate for the clues to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
the situation crystal
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
.
Moreover
, they are full of patience level, which is a basic eligibility of the force official business. To
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
this point clearer, I would like to share one example, a working woman
is supposed
to do lots of stuff from dusk till dawn like making a breakfast for the family, taking care of the kids, doing job
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
responsibilities
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on. To do all the tasks
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
lots of patience during the day which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
them the perfect candidate for the detective executive task.

Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are
equally
physically
strong to perform
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
police
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
officer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
responsibilities
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
God has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
with special powers to give birth to the child and
also
, to bear the pain during the delivery. According to science,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
cannot bear the delivery pain
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is equal to the pain that happened during breakage of the bones.

In the nutshell,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women’s
passion for the achievement of their goals can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
them perfect for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
police
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
officer
job. As their strong vision for becoming the successful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
police
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
officer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
them more focused for handling difficult situations during the job.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
24Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
Language is to the mind more than light is to the eye.
William Gibson

IELTS essay Although there are more and more women police officers in reality, are they really suitable for this job? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
323 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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