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Although some people suggest a results-orientation method to encourage students, others would propose improvements as a vital criterion to reward students. In my personal view, the latter is more useful. v.1

Although some people suggest a results-orientation method to encourage students, others would propose improvements as a vital criterion to reward students. In my personal view, the latter is more useful. v. 1
Although some people suggest a results-orientation method to encourage students, others would propose improvements as a vital criterion to reward students. In my personal view, the latter is more useful. On the one hand, it is thought that academic results should be considered as a means of encouragement by educators. Believing that rewards can foment competitions among students, schools should encourage those students having the best academic results in these competitions. For example, giving money to the most cited student in Google Scholar in a year is a fairly method of encouragement students competing for this position. Besides, academic results are specific and the explicit factors for evaluating the students. Therefore, not only do they allow schools to make a perfect decision in terms of encouragement, they but also give credibility to the process of rewarding. On the other hand, I side with those who believe that students should be rewarded based on their improvements. Courtesy of this method all students, apart from their God-given talents, have been motivated to study hard so that they can reach a sustainable improvement. As a result, all different students have an equal chance to be rewarded with regard to their improvements. In addition, by encouraging students based on their improvements, schools give students this opportunity to express a better version of themselves. Thus, whether they are awarded or not, all students break their previous records that could be one the most invaluable incentives in the student’s life helping them not to give up in the process of learning. To conclude, although encouraging students based on their academic results could be effective, I am convinced that those students that show improvements are more eligible to be rewarded.
Although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
suggest a results-orientation method to encourage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
, others would propose
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
improvements
as a vital criterion to reward
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
. In my personal view, the latter is more useful.

On the one hand, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
results
should
be considered
as a means of encouragement by educators. Believing that rewards can foment competitions among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
, schools should encourage those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
having the best
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
results
in these competitions.
For example
, giving money to the most cited
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
in Google Scholar in a year is a
You used an adverb ('fairly') instead of an adjective, or a noun ('method') instead of another adjective.
fairly method
of encouragement
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
competing for this position.
Besides
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
results
are specific and the explicit factors for evaluating the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
.
Therefore
, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
do they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
schools to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a perfect decision in terms of encouragement, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
give credibility to the process of rewarding.

On the other hand
, I side with those who believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
should
be rewarded
based on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
improvements
. Courtesy of this method all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
, apart from their God-
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
talents, have
been motivated
to study
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they can reach a sustainable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
improvement
. As a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
result
, all
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
have an equal chance to
be rewarded
with regard to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
improvements
.
In addition
, by encouraging
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
based on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
improvements
, schools give
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
this opportunity to express a better version of themselves.
Thus
, whether they
are awarded
or not, all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
break their previous records that could be
Did you mean "one of"?
one
the most invaluable incentives in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student’s
life helping them not to give up in the process of learning.

To conclude
, although encouraging
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
based on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
results
could be effective, I
am convinced
that those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
improvements
are more eligible to
be rewarded
.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
31Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Although some people suggest a results-orientation method to encourage students, others would propose improvements as a vital criterion to reward students. In my personal view, the latter is more useful. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
283 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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