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Although some people believe that children should pursue employment, others think that students should study further education. Discuss both views and give your opinion. v.1

Although some people believe that children should pursue employment, others think that students should study further education. v. 1
While an increasing number of people believe that students should work directly after school instead of pursuing higher education, others consider that students need to attend university. As per my viewpoint, I think that students ought to engage in higher university education as it aids them in finding better employment opportunities and raise their knowledge. On the one hand, it is commonly believed by some that young individuals should consider finding a job. Currently, there are certain children who cannot afford themselves to fund for higher education, and as a result, they opt to work, which helps them to support their families financially. Another point to note is that there are cases when students are disinterested in studying. Spending substantial amounts of money on them can cause a considerable wastage of necessary resources such as time and capital. Many lower class families, for instance, compel their children to take up employment which can relieve their parent's burden of managing financial expenses. On the other hand, many people adopted a position that students should pursue university education after school, and I concur. Obtaining a higher degree allows individuals to not only increase their market value and receive a higher salary when seeking for a job but also to broaden their knowledge and mind by learning new concepts. Additionally, children after completing university graduation are mature and capable of thinking logically, which is a considerable advantage while taking serious decisions and when confronted with a challenging situation in the future. From the points highlighted above, despite people having varying opinions, I think that students should continue university studies as it will be extremely beneficial to them for their personal and professional development.
While an increasing number of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
should work
directly
after school
instead
of pursuing higher
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
, others consider that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
need to attend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
. As per my viewpoint, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
ought to engage in higher
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
as it aids them in finding better employment opportunities and raise their knowledge.

On the one hand, it is
commonly
believed by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
that young individuals should consider finding a job.
Currently
, there are certain children who cannot afford themselves to fund for higher
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
, and
as a result
, they opt to work, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them to support their families
financially
. Another point to note is that there are cases when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are disinterested
in studying. Spending substantial amounts of money on them can cause a considerable wastage of necessary resources such as time and capital.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
lower
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
families,
for instance
, compel their children to take up employment which can relieve their parent's burden of managing financial expenses.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
adopted a position that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
should pursue
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
after school, and I concur. Obtaining a higher degree
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
individuals to not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
increase their market value and receive a higher salary when seeking for a job
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
to broaden their knowledge and mind by learning new concepts.
Additionally
, children after completing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
graduation are mature and capable of thinking
logically
, which is a considerable advantage while taking serious decisions and when confronted with a challenging situation in the future.

From the points highlighted above, despite
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
having varying opinions, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
should continue
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
studies as it will be
extremely
beneficial to them for their personal and professional development.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
15Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0Mistakes
We should learn languages because language is the only thing worth knowing even poorly.
Kató Lomb

IELTS essay Although some people believe that children should pursue employment, others think that students should study further education. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
280 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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