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Although more and more people read the news on the internet, newspapers will remain the most important source of new. Do you agree or disagree with this statement? v.3

Although more and more people read the news on the internet, newspapers will remain the most important source of new. v. 3
In the present situation where many people are searching for news on Google, it has been a debatable issue whether newspapers or broadcasting can remain the most essential means of conveying information or not. While some people agree with the above opinion, I personally contend that conventional newspapers will disappear in several decades with the following two rationales. To begin with, the development of technology has accelerated the process of transmitting information between providers and consumers. For instance, nowadays, it is almost impossible not to witness people with no mobile devices, such as smartphones, tablets, and Macbooks. While we could only use the rudimentary type of cell phones in the early 20c. And the change has reduced the distance between news and viewers; people can speak and communicate in real-time even if there was an accident a couple of minutes ago by using YouTube live or something similar. Everybody is able to become a reporter or a viewer, and I believe that is a revolutionary alteration. Another reason I find the upheaval more reasonable is that conventional newspapers have been manipulated. To be specific, from WW2, when Nazis spread their malicious, detrimental and manipulative propagandas, to the recent cases, when Japan regime is controlling official broadcasts to hide the truth of an enormous amount of nuclear emission in Fukushima. The prime minister, Abe, mentioned 'everything is under control, ', and the official, private broadcasts have never questioned regarding the issue against the government. Likewise, traditional news is likely to be used as a powerful tool for people who have money and authority; therefore, people have been finding a better way to replace outdated means. In conclusion, while some people believe that conventional news will continue in the future, I am convinced that newspapers and broadcasts will be disappeared in several decades because the power of technology is strong enough to address the corruption across worldwide media.
In the present situation where
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are searching for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
news
on Google, it has been a debatable issue whether
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
newspapers
or broadcasting can remain the most essential means of conveying information or not. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the above opinion, I
personally
contend that conventional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
newspapers
will disappear in several decades with the following two rationales.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the development of technology has accelerated the process of transmitting information between providers and consumers.
For instance
, nowadays, it is almost impossible not to witness
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
with no mobile devices, such as smartphones, tablets, and
Possible spelling mistake found.
Macbooks
.
“While” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
While
we could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
the rudimentary type of cell phones in the early 20c. And the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
the distance between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
news
and viewers;
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can speak and communicate in real-time even if there was an accident a couple of minutes ago by using YouTube
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
or something similar. Everybody is able to become a reporter or a viewer, and I believe
that is
a revolutionary alteration.

Another reason I find the upheaval more reasonable is that conventional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
newspapers
have
been manipulated
. To be specific, from WW2, when Nazis spread their malicious, detrimental and manipulative
Possible spelling mistake found.
propagandas
, to the recent cases, when Japan regime is controlling official broadcasts to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hide
the truth of an enormous amount of nuclear emission in Fukushima. The prime minister, Abe, mentioned 'everything is under control, ', and the official, private broadcasts have never questioned regarding the issue against the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
.
Likewise
, traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
news
is likely to be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
as a powerful tool for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who have money and authority;
therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have been finding a better way to replace outdated means.

In conclusion
, while
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that conventional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
news
will continue in the future, I
am convinced
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
newspapers
and broadcasts will
be disappeared
in several decades
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the power of technology is strong
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to address the corruption across worldwide media.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Although more and more people read the news on the internet, newspapers will remain the most important source of new. v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
316 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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