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All over the world, the rich are becoming richer and the poor are becoming poorer. What problems does this cause? How can we overcome the problems of poverty? v.2

All over the world, the rich are becoming richer and the poor are becoming poorer. What problems does this cause? How can we overcome the problems of poverty? v. 2
The structure of the family as well as its roles has evolved in the past years. Few of the main changes had to do with the size and women empowerment. In my opinion, I think that these modifications in the family structure and roles can bring problems to the society and individuals. On the first note, variations in the structure of the family, such as smaller family size, can be a cause of problem for the society. This is because people nowadays decide to have zero or one child due to a busy lifestyle. In Japan, for example, the number of older adults compared to the younger ones is intensely high. In consequence, there are many experts in the seniors, but little or less number of younger trainees. In the future, if this continues, economic growth will be down as there will be lesser knowledgeable employees, which may cause a crisis for the whole nation. Another point is the evolution of family role, particularly allowing women to work, which could affect individuals negatively. Mothers at the present time choose to work and leave their children to daycare or hire a nanny. This could be hard on the part of the children, emotionally and developmentally, as they get attached to new caregiver. To give a picture, skills, such as speech and language, might be neglected as children might not show their real feelings to the new caretaker. As a result, children might grow not being efficient in communication which can be an issue later on in life. In conclusion, the changes happening in the structure and roles of the family can cause negative effects to the society and individuals as it can lead to lesser young skilled workers and develop adults who communicate inefficiently.
The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
structure
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
as well
as its
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
roles
has evolved in the past years. Few of the main
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
had to do with the size and women empowerment. In my opinion, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that these modifications in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
structure
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
roles
can bring problems to the society and individuals.

On the
first
note, variations in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
structure
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
, such as smaller
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
size, can be a cause of problem for the society. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
nowadays decide to have zero or one child due to a busy lifestyle. In Japan,
for example
, the number of older adults compared to the younger ones is
intensely
high. In consequence, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
experts in the seniors,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
or less number of younger trainees.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
In
the future, if this continues, economic growth will be down as there will be lesser knowledgeable employees, which may cause a crisis for the whole nation.

Another point is the evolution of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
role
,
particularly
allowing women to work, which could affect individuals
negatively
. Mothers at the present time choose to work and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to daycare or hire a nanny. This could be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
on the part of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
,
emotionally
and
developmentally
, as they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
attached to new caregiver. To give a picture,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
, such as speech and language, might
be neglected
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
might not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
their real feelings to the new caretaker.
As a result
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
might grow not being efficient in communication which can be an issue later on in life.

In conclusion
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
happening in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
structure
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
roles
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
can cause
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects to the society and individuals as it can lead to lesser young skilled workers and develop adults who communicate
inefficiently
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Learning is a treasure that will follow its owner everywhere.
Chinese Proverb

IELTS essay All over the world, the rich are becoming richer and the poor are becoming poorer. What problems does this cause? How can we overcome the problems of poverty? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
293 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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